America Neva start sef: dem go still marry horse!

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People wey get mouth de talk one thing. Dem de talk say when America sneeze, the whole world go catch cold. Hehehehee no be small thing be dat. True true, na America de lead way for many things both good and bad. When dem wan do good thing, na dam go do am pass. When dem wan do wicked thing, na dem go still do am pass. When dem wan do very very evil, dem no de get rival. After dem don finish, you go de hear something like, “I didn’t have no choice. I had to do what I had to do.” America don sneeze now hehehehe. Dem supreme court don talk say any man fit marry another man and woman fit to de marry woman. All na by agreement hehehehehehe! But make we no make mistake de think say na every American de support all the yeye thingwey de happen. I hear about the woman wey de work for registry wey talk say she no work again. She say she be christian and God no send am de register man and man as husband and wife. She say e pay am pass to obey God instead of man.
The thing wey de surprise me pass be say una de surprise say dis kind thing de happen. Where you dey when all dis mata de build up? E no happen for one day na. As early as the nineteen sixties, America don ban prayers for public school. You no fit even put Christmas decoration for public building. The mata of abortion na anoda strong one. Dem don argue am go front and argue am come back and na the same place dem stand. E go reach some time, e go be like say ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) just wake up come de face Christians. E don tey wey human rights de make wrong things look ok. So, as dem de do de go, e no come de surprise me and me I come de surprise say you no know as e de go.
Nobody wey no de find liberty. For Nigeria, the things we de find liberty from dem too much sef. But as liberty good reach, if person no careful, freedom or liberty fit destroy person. Na Charles Colson na im talk say liberty no be license to do anything we like., but liberty na right to do wetin the right thing wey we suppose do. Dat one mean to say freedom no be for person to de do wetin e know say e no right. But demgo quick ask you say, wetin be right and wetin be wrong, and who get right to talk say one thing right and another thing wrong. If you just mention Bible like dis, haaaaaaa! You don spoil something. Dem no wan hear am.
This homosexual thing sef na anoda wahala. Some people say na dem right to sleep with who dem like. Dem de call am alternative lifestyle. Which mean to say, ‘me and you different, so why you de tell me how I go de run my own things? Do your own make I do my own’. The argument sound nice abi? But the outcome na im de fear you so. Man don marry man and dem go de find pikin wey woman born to adopt. The pikin go get father and father hehehehehehe! ‘What is your mother’s name’ go turn to brutal question hehehehe!
Make we no talk lie o. Na true say Nigerian government don tell dem, during Jonathan, say we no de do dat kind thing. But does dat one come mean say we no get men wey de like to de follow oda men? We no get women wey like to de follow other women? Dem dey plenty. One de even de toast me for Facebook say I should allow myself to experience the joy of being with other men. Thunder fire im head! But we get homosexuals and we get lesbians since tey tey, lesbians especially. Some girls na lesbian reach inside bone and some just take am keep demself busy for boarding school. But no matter wetin America do, e go seriously tey before anybody wey no wan wound go fit tell us say make Sulaimon de go marry Abubakar. How you wan take marry Johnbull and Ignatius for dis country today? No be small thing we de talk so o. the thing enter church sef. Na the Episcopal Church of England na dem first make fear catch person. Dat church na im born Anglican Church for Nigeria. Dem don de get dat wahala say weda dem go allow people wey be gay make dem become priest. The thing don stay until dem come agree say make dem allow dem. But African churches say NO WAY!! Dem hold synod dat time and dem come tell dem say nothing like dat fit happen at all. In the end, Church of Nigeria, Anglican Communion come decide say make dem break ALL SPIRITUAL ties with Church of England. Dem tell dem straight mata say, for other things o, we fit be family. But when e come to anything spiritual, make una stay una own. Dat na wetin Jonathan sef tell dem. Till tomorrow, dem de take style de tell us say if we no allow gay people to de show face publicly or to de marry each other, dem no go de give us aid. But me I get beta suggestion for dem. Make we give dem all the gay people for here make dem carry dem go US go give dem right to marry demself there. Hehehehehehehehe.
I no de preach o but the thing de wonder me somehow as all the things wey Bible talk say e go happen just de happen one by one. When dem de talk for Bible say when the beast go come, anybody wey no get im mark no go fit buy or sell, we de argue say na oyinbo side be dat. We de ask ourself say how dat one fit happen for dis area, as we scatter reach. We come de see different queue for here. We queue for Obasanjo ID card, we give dem data. We queue for SIM card registration, we give dem data. We queue for voter registration and we give dem data. As if those queue no do, we still de queue for new ID card and BVN. Dis last two queue na dem wicked pass. You no fit do correct business without ID registration and you no even fit take your own money from bank without BVN. So dis same sex marriage thing na just distraction. The real events de happen for back. When the time come, how person go fit hide from dem? But no mata wetin anybody do, everything go happen exactly as Bible write am. If you neva read am, quick carry go bookshop or enter Google.
As for Americans, dem don try everything and nothing remain. All the normal thing wey de sweet person no de sweet dem reach again. So dem de like to de try abnormal things now. Now, dem wan de export dem craze for who wan buy. We know say we too de import things but dis one….fa fa faaa fowl. E possible say make one day make Naija boys begin marry boys. But I no think say na dis generation of Nigeria dat kind thing go happen. Dem no born you well make you de come back from 15 years in America make you carry anoda man follow body come tell your family, “this is my wife”. But Americans dem life sweet dem. Dem don de lead for many things but many of us no know say na dem sef de lead for many bad things like illiteracy, crime, drug, abortions, homicide…and now dem wan de teach us. Make dem hold dem thing. Dem go do the one wey pass dis one o. E no go tey before dem go do another law say man or woman fit marry any living thing dem like. Na dem go be first to marry dog and horse. See you! We neva see anything yet. Meanwhile make anybody wey know oyinbo tell dem say if any two of dem men come Nigeria come kiss for street, anything fit happen o. People wey see dem fit laugh comot face. Some go snap take do update. Some fit shout small for dem and some sef fit carry tyre put round dem neck.
Bible de tell us say nothing don happen yet. So no fear. Just de look de pray to God. Dassol. And I for talk anoda thing o. only say I de fear say you fit vex. Anyway, make I tell you.
Bible de teach say sin na sin and dem no get different weight. Sin na the same weight. So if one man marry man, na sin. If one woman sleep with Alsatian dog for money, na sin. If woman sell herself, na sin. If person kill anoda person for ritual, na sin. And all dis sin na the same weight with person wey talk lie or person wey thief N500.00. check am yourself for Bible and look after your own side before you begin abuse Americans.
I don dodge o. until next time.

which time nonsense go stop for this country?

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We just dey, de talk de laugh when someone come jopin us. Na my friend wey we follow go ijebu-Igbo last week. There we meet some OOU students wey say dem go finish exam on Friday (yesterday). We wish dem well.

As the guy siddon, e talk say im de try call im cousin for OOU. The cousin suppose don go house dat Friday as dem finish exam. As we de wonder why dat one be problem, the guy say so we never hear wetin happen. We say wetin. E say one trailer discharge container on OOU students wey de go home after exam. At dat time we de hear say nobody come out of the bus. So the guy de worry for im cousin. O boy, everybody weak.

Follow me read this update before I continue. Make you see the madness wey de vex me.


Following the accident that occurred yesterday involving a truck and a bus that left Ago-iwoye for Sango that claimed lives of 12 people, the OOUSUG investigation team led by Com. Adegbesan Adenola (MALCOMZY) and Transport Committee led by theChairman, Com. Olowo Rasheed (BELETTI) were out en-masse early this morning to get the details of the accidents and people involved. Also, the investigation team had in attendance the Police, SSS, Deputy VC, Dean of Student affairs, University CSO, Chairman Security Council (OOU), ASUU OOU Chairman, Special Adviser to the Governor on Students’ matter, and NANS Ogun JCC Executives. However, there is only one survivor of the accident. Below is a full list of the June 26 accident victims;
Odubanjo Eunice Oluwadamilola. Pol. Science, 200 level.
Ogunnoiki Omolade Mariam. EFM (History), 100 level.
Aribiola Yetunde Elizabeth. Biochemistry, 100 level.
Adams Suliat Oluwatobi. Accounting, 100 level.
Pampam Funmilayo Latifat. Chemical Science, 100 level.
Asade Christianah Ibukun. Law, 200 level.
Dairo Olatunji Michael. Physics, Graduate.

Akinbo Laughter Ibukun. Chemical Science.

This names are one way or the other seen on recovered items of the accident victims. This does not mean the persons are involved.

Kutu Ayonimofe Emmanuel.
Ayoola Sheriff Gbolahan.
Akinyemi Remilekun.
Kazeem Akeem.

All the bodies were earlier deposited at Fakoya Hospital and later transferred to Olabisi OUTH.
The family of the survivor has come to withdraw her from Idera Hospital and been transferred to a private hospital as at reporting.
Autopsy is now been conducted on all the deceased. There will be no lecture in all our campuses on Monday, 29th June 2015. No Club should operate within OOU environs on this day.
Also, candle light will be done in honour of the lost souls. We declare Monday 29th June 2015 as BLACK MONDAY.

So when dis madness go stop? No be today we don de hear de see how container de fall on top motor. But who de do anything about am? How we go put container for on top trailer and we no go do anything to make sure say e no fall down.
Now, as before, dem don kill people pikin. We even de hear say the trailer de drive against traffic. Vex de vex me no be small. Make pikin call im mama say I don finish exam I de come house. Make mama enter kitchen to do something special. Make she come de call say where you don reach make nobody pick phone or make stranger de ask am say, ‘who do you want to speak to?’ This thing too bad. E just too bad.

Make una help me share this matter until e go reach the ear of person wey go do something about am. I take God beg una.

soja for rent

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Soja for rent
I no know how I wan take write dis mata make e short. I don try many style and I don cancel many style. The reason be say I no wan make anything wey resemble lie enter the talk. I don decide make I just de talk am as e de enter my mind. When you read am, you fit de arrange am for your own mind as you like.

Who fit beat person for street today come go free? Who fit brush you anyhow and people go de look and dem no go even ask question not to talk to put hand? If area boys beat you, you fit arrange your own area boys go meet dem later. You fit beat dem sister for street corner or burn dem papa house. If police beat you, you fit do Return of Bruce Lee go meet am where e rent house. You fit rush am when you see am on top bike for your street. Make we no talk cult own because if e start, e no de quick end.

So who fit brush person come go free? Na only sojaman.

I wan first of all talk say correct soja dey o. Soja wey know wetin dem work be. Soja wey go drive im motor and obey yellow fever and even stay for line for go-slow. We get many many soja wey be 100% professional. All of una wey make sense, make una de continue like dat abeg. No be una I de follow talk.

Soja don show us pepper for dis country sotey you no go know the one to talk first and the one not to talk at all. The time wey I dey secondary school, some Lagos boys for our boarding house de always de tell us how soja de take koboko de whip people wey no quick comot for road for dem. Years after, I reach Lagos and I still de see soja de wear koboko for waist. I just de think say, so dis people still never change?

All of us know say soja de harass civilian. Na so dem take enter Kalakuta under Obasanjo. Dem scatter no be small. Dem throway Fela mama from window as Fela talk and Fela still blame dem say na dem kill im mama. Again, you remember those naval ratings wey beat Uzoma Okere for street for Lagos? Dem tear her cloth. The mata enter court. Who fit talk say im know how dat mata come be now? Again again, na soja enter street for Lagos and BRT buses catch fire. People wey dey there talk say na soja put the fire. Doja told say dem no know anything about am. Dem talk the mata go left, dem talk am go right and na still one place we stand. We no fit count the number of time soja don beat police. I no talk say soja fight police. I mean say soja beat police. Some time sef na because dem say make dem park for check point.

We don see soja de display for filling station for time of fuel scarcity. Na magic dem de do there. We don see soja when bank no quick answer dem when dem money enter account. Dem wan collect before dem even post the money to account. We don see soja when dem go buy ‘no-testing’ and come see say e no work. Dem go mobilize enter market and everywhere go de shake. We don see soja for many many situation for dis country. We don see soja wey wear hood for Osun election. We no fit tell till today weda dem be soja or thugs wey sew uniform.

The one wey tire me now be say people de use soldier de do all kind thing now. Person wey get one or two soja as friend go just call dem when anything happen and dem sef go run come display. I see soja beat one man anyhow because dem call dem. The person wey call dem tell dem say the other man beat im 65 year-old papa. Till today, nobody know the truth. Na me carry the battered man go clinic after the soja boys don finally approve say make we try save im life. If person owe you money, you go just carry two or three soja go there and your money go come out. If girl no write exam, she go tell soja say na you cause am and soja go show for your step. People go tell you say, “I no go bother handle your matter myself, I go just bring soja for you”. Soja don turn something wey dem de rent.

You come know where the matter come bad pass? I don see say no be all the people wey dem de rent as soja be soja. Many many boys dey barrack de hustle. When people call soja make dem come help dem, soja fit give two or three boys camo facecap or belt say make dem de go represent. The boys go enter area come de form soja. When dem finish, dem go carry money from the person wey call dem. Weda dem de deliver give soja, I no fit know.

How civilian go de rent soja for purely civil matter? The worst part be say na who call dem de always right. Dem first mode na beating mode. You de read dis thing and e de be you like say I just de talk abi? Wait until soja wife or girlfriend go bash you from behind. Na she go wrong but when she make one phone call, soja go come and na you go wrong from dat point on. Imagine the rest.

As Buhari say make soja no dey for checkpoint again, abeg make e tell dem make dem no de put demsef up for rent. Dat kind thing no good.

God de punish rapists o!

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Warning: Rapist life no d ever better o!

My people e don tey since I follow una talk o. no be say na so I want am but dat small devil wey de fly for night na dem bite me come give me malaria. I sick wey be say if I open the computer I go rest small. If I type my password, I go rest again. So I kukuma say make I well small before I come back. All dat time wey I de lie down, I de force to de watch the same TV station, plus news, plus documentary, plus advert. Mtsheew! E no easy. But wetin surprise me na the number of case of rape wey dem de report for both TV and newspaper. Man tire o. Sotey you go hear say 70 year old man de damage 11 year old wey dey primary school. Dis world don spoil finish o!

So I come tell myself say time don reach to write small message for all the young people wey dey my side. I wan tell dem one thing only. Very simple: God de punish rapist o! Im life no de better at all. Sake of wetin? Dat thing no be small offence. For man to do dat kind thing to woman or vice versa but especially man to woman own. You for ask me say how I take know. I go tell you whether you ask or not.

Na the time I de read Bible na there I see the story of Cane and Abel. If una remember, dem be brother and brother. Because of jealousy, na so Cain kill im brother Abel. E come de form like say nobody see am. E carry im big head de continue like say all na normal until God call im name.

“Cane, come here. Wey your brother Abel?”

The bobo no shame face sef. E reply God sharperly.

“Baba, which levels be dat? Na me de do security for my brother?”

God just look am like, ‘dis boy no know the meaning of Almighty sha’. God still de tell am gentle gentle.

“No be say na your brother BLOOD de cry out to me so? Say make I revenge wetin you do am?”

Until dat time before Cane come coolu temper, come see say nothing e fit hide from God. God punish am sotey sinner man complain say the punishment too much, say make God reduce am for am.
When you rape girl, na her spirit inside de cry give God say make God take revenge. Why, because the effect wey rape de get be like make dem kill person from inside. Some people no de revover at all. Some de find poison kill demself. Some people no go die. Dem go de waka like say dem dey alive but dem don die inside. Some people no go ever tell anybody wetin happen out of shame and make people no come take am de do gossip. Some sef go de see the people wey rape dem everyday and fear no go let dem talk. If no be fear, e go be say make shame no come enter dem family. Every time dem see the person pass, na so dem spirit go de cry out.

Make I find example wey I go take help you see wetin I de talk so.

When we small, we de carry stone for pocket go pond of water. We go de stone frog for water. Any one we kill go turn upside down and we go de bounce de happy. We de count who Sabi kill pass. For us, na game. Na just small pikin play. For the frog nko? Na play?

Dats why I write dis thing o. All man-pikin dem. Whether you be old or young and whether you be student, worker of person wey de find job, abeg bring your ear and your sense. No follow rapist waka. No stay where dem de plan rape or de do rape. No know about am sam sam. No join others rape and no rape alone. Na devil wan spoil your life. Dis thing I de talk no be small thing o. People wey don do dis kind thing, when dem don old, na dem dem go de pray pray pray for fear say God fit no forgive dem bad bad wocked things wey dem do.

Another matter dey o. Make una wey get girl pikin take careful about the kin thing una de allow o. No de send girl pikin message anyhow especially for night or for far or lonely place dem. No de allow just anybody de send dem message. Na the style wey bastard boys take de carry dem go inside dem room be dat. No let any man de call your pikin, ‘my wife’ and all dat kin name wey dem de take de prepare ground. No let any man de always buy this and that for your pikin. No let any man de touch girl pikin anyhow in the name of affection for children. I no fit tell you all the things wey you go avoid. You suppose de take your own sense de water ground.

No make mistake de think say police dey to punish men wey de rape girls. You no de read newspaper? Some women de talk say police de blame dem for station for the rape of dem daughter. Police sef go de tell the pikin wey be eight years say na her fault, say she sef de enjoy the rape. Wetin person no go hear for dis country. I know say some of una go think say I de lie, so I don put one link for you. Follow the link make you sef read.

Person wey get ear, make e no take am fetch water o. Make e take am hear word take educate all the other members for im body, inside and outside.

If you rape person and you de dance, de happy say you don go free, you be mumu. The day God go call your number, no look far for wetin de do you. Dat na if you get luck sef. If your mama de pray for you for villa. Otherwise, na devil fit call your number. Think dis matter well o!

I don tire again. Make I rest small. God punish mosquito.

…this tinubu must go jail…gbaaam!

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I don vex. Make nobody hold me o. this Tinubu must go prison and this week! Wetin sef? How only one man go do all the thing wey AIT talk say e do and nobody fit to stop am for street say, “Hey come here Ol Boy, dis thing dem talk say you do, na true?” As if all dat one no do, the guy de use one kin otumokpo de take de suppress us. Wey be say, fourteen million people for Lagos, nobody fit get up ask am any question. This bobo de try o!
Now wey be say AIT don get anointing to deliver us from shackle, dem don do documentary. Dem don tell us how the man na BAAAAAD MON, wetin dem wan make we do now? Because one thing wey me I sure be say dem no spend all dat money to tell me say Bola Tinubu na bad man make I for just know, then enter room go sleep. E get wetin dem de hope to get wey make dem do dat documentary. Or to talk am another way, e get wetin the person wey pay for dat documentary de expect say we go do after we don watch am.. I de hear sef say dem don de ready to do Rotimi Amaechi documentary too. Before dat new soup done, wetin we go take dis soup wey dey table do? I de come, make I enter history.
Time wey never tey for back, dem do documentary and at one na against Buhari. That thing reign erh! E be like when grass de catch fire for harmattan. People de take dem small money enter internet go watch am as dem money fit carry. Others no sleep for night sake of say dem de wait whether AIT go still do the repeat broadcast. After plenty people don finally watch am na so we de wait say wetin next? Sharp sharp, AIT organize poll for dem website make dem take judge as the people de react on top wetin dem just tell dem. The poll begin, de go, de go, de gooooooo, until something come tell dem say yawa de gas yawally. Buhari just de flash Jonathan de go, and as night de continue, the gap de be like gap between Sambisa Forest and Olumo Rock. We sleep dat night with mind say for morning we go see whether the gap don enter Cape Coast. As we enter website for morning, wetin we see? Hehehehehehe you kukuma know na.
Wetin happen overnight? Dem say website don crash. Den dem say na APC over-voting na im crash am. Say some APC people hide for near river and from there dem de vote de vote until dem take vote wound the website. The point here be say, since dem do the Buhari documentary, wetin come do Buhari? I think say the answer to that question be say more people come de like the man. If no be say somebody de smoke mosquito coil, how you go do the same fuck-up two time or even three time and you de wait different result?
Anyway, dem don do documentary and dem de prepare to do more. E fit be say dem de achieve dem goal or e fit be say the money wey dey dem hand too much. But now wey dem don do the do, wetin dem want make we do because of dem do.
Dem want make we gather as we de gather for the places wey we de gather. And from there, make we carry placard enter street, and make we condemn Tinubu and accept Jona. You know the places we de gather at all? Hehehehe I go tell you.
NEWSPAPER STAND: Most of us wey de gather there no get work. Na to come there come hear the latest and then to shift the discussion to Chelsea, Barca, Man U and Arsenal in the end. Each newspaper stand get some people wey be leaders of thought. Some na businessmen wey no de do early morning business. Some na retired people wey government de owe salary. Some na politician wey dem don sideline wey de vex. When you raise matter say dis Tinubu na thief, one of dem fit look up from newspaper ask you say, “Dem wey de complain be wetin?” In the end we go enter Barca and Chelsea until we waka. We de take dat one reduce the pain wey dey we belle. Na abuse we de abuse government most of the time.
BUS STOP/QUEUE: This place na one of our many suffer point. When we no see bus enter or when dem don make us queue die to save or collect money from bank, to pay for NEPA, to register for one idiot thing or the other, to collect PVC. Na there we de smile, de fight de settle de discuss. For dis kind point, any discussion fit end any time you see bus or your turn reach for queue. Many times, na frustration no de let us think straight. You fit raise Tinubu matter for queue of thirty people make nobody answer you.
VIEWING CENTRE: for here, once game start, every political nonsense suspend, except when referee don cheat us and we all shout PeeDeePee! All the talk resume for half time or the time between end of one game and start of another. Many intelligent people no de talk for here. Big boys and girls no de come here at all. Na over-sabi, over-kako people na dem plenty pass for here. If your voice loud or you sabi demo, na you go win every argument. One person go colonize talk and e go de lie de swear say na true. For here, the TV must not tune to AIT by mistake sef.
JOINT/BAR/AREA na here be the real place and plenty people de discuss here. Sometimes the music fit loud sotey una go de shout to hear each other. But we go still de talk. The wahala be say, the more we drink, the more we de miss the point. Discussion wey start as wetin dem talk about Tinubu fit end with which woman for town de cook the best bokoto or catfish. When we finish our drink, we go enter road and we don forget wetin we talk. Many of us, na dis same bar make us no register for election. Na dis bar wey no let some of us go collect out PVC till now.
I no think say any of us go enter street on we own because of Tinubu. But if the campaign fund show, we fit o, but dat is a professional level. We do am, collect money and enter bar again.
The other thing wey dem fit de expect us to do be say make we no vote for Tinubu. But Tinubu no de contest na. So dat mean to say, make we no vote for Ambode, Amosun, Ajumobi, Buhari…the list long.
Why because Tinubu de control dem and the man go just take over. E make sense to stop Tinubu if the man de hide for back de control empire. In fact, the man must go jail. But na we de jail people? Na who wan jail am? I don think am say how we fit use the yam and goat formula take catch Tinubu. But I fear o. From wetin AIT talk, if we use dat style against Tinubu, the yam fit chop the goat. Gbaaaaam! The goat go vanish!
E don near eight years since dis man comot for office. The time e dey office, na immunity we de blame. For nearly eight years now, na wetin we de blame? One small time, dem say e get foreign account the time e be governor. Na so dem carry am go Abuja. Dem do drama and dem put am for inside accused box. E de look dem. The way e pose for inside that box sef no be like accused. E pose like don! Ahhh Tinubu na bad man! Dem talk go up. Dem talk come down. Dem say dem see say all the time e be governor, e no once use the account. Dem free the man. I no know who pay transport wey the man take come back Lagos.
Since den, nothing. EFCC dey. Dem no talk. ICPC and Police dey. Dem no talk. Army dey, DSS dey and NSCDC sef dey. Dem no talk. NDLEA dey, NAFDAC sef dey and in addition to all dat, FG sef dey. Dem no fit do nothing? No one fit catch am? All dis thief wey Tinubu thief, every every wey de catch thief just leave am make e de waka free. Na AIT dem send make dem find am guilty without trial. Na me dem want make I punish am with my vote. Anyway, most people don make up dem mind who dem go vote. If another documentary dem come, make e hurry.
Meantime, make somebody help us tell people wey de collect salary to catch thief say make dem do dem work. No be we suppose punish Tinubu.

Kirikiri for who?

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(Ahmad is startled by the sound of his son flinging away his schoolbag as he ran in from school, his mother trying to console the crying boy)
Junior: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy is it true?
Ahmad: Is what true?
Junior: Is it true that you are going to jail?
Ahmad: Whaaat? Going to jail for doing what? (looking at his wife) Where did he get this nonsense?
Wife: (spreading her hands dramatically) I don’t know but I think it was at school.
Junior: (sobbing) Daddy, but is it true?
Ahmad: Of course not. Where did you hear that?
Junior: My classmates were mocking me. They said if Buhari becomes president, you and Uncle Obadimu would be sent to prison. They say you are bad people.
(There is shocked silence as husband and wife stare at each other)
Ahmad: Which kind of school is this that children discuss politics? (turning to Junior) Come here little man. Go get your lunch. There is no such thing as jail for Big Daddy. Some people are jealous of us that is all. Go get some food and rest. We will go out together.
(Wiping his eyes with the back of his hands, the boy exits)
Wife: I always told you to stop discussing politics in front of this boy but you won’t listen.
Ahmad: Is that why anyone should take this thing to children in primary school?
Wife: Haven’t your people taken this to church? Why does it surprise you that children also know?
Ahmad: This is preposterous!
Wife: But come to think of it, is this prison thing a possibility?
Ahmad: (eyes flashing in anger) Even you?
Wife: (raising both hands in surrender)
Ahmad: (Picking his phone, dialing and waiting a while to connect) Oba, we need to talk o. Carry Eze follow body, make we meet for area sharply. Wahala dey o.
(About 45 minutes later, Ahmad, Obadimu and Eze are sitting in a bar)
Barman: Oga, wetin make I bring for una?
Obadimu: We no run. Make we talk wetin carry us come, we go drink after. (Barman moves away)
Ezeike: Bros wetin de pursue frog for day time abeg.
Ahmad: My pikin come back from school today de cry. E de ask me say whether na true say I de go prison. Imagine that? (Ezeike and Obadimu look at each other). Una no talk?
Obadimu: Which kind school you put your pikin? Which kind yeye thing be dis?
Ezeike: Bia, this matter don de pass play o. Even pikin don de follow de talk am now.
Ahmad: Follow de talk wetin?
Obadimu: Prison na. Say Buhari go carry we go prison if we win.
Ezeike: Wetin we do wey dem go carry us reach prison?
Obadimu: Wetin we no do? This one be like business as usual for your eye? You no read wetin Baba de talk for Nigeria and London?
Ezeike: Nobody de believe am sef.
Ahmad: Who lie give you? Yoruba people too do follow-follow.
Obadimu: I hear. No be Hausa follow-follow de cause dis problem so? No matter wetin you prove to dem, na Sai Baba go be the last answer. Una people tire person sef.
Ezeike: Nobody go vote for murderer, person wey no enter kindergarten.
Obadimu: You still dey on that level. The man don jump am pass. Even if person lie for you, you suppose de lie give yourself?
Ezeike: For my side, na full support. Which Igbo man with correct blood for im vein go vote that Gambari old expired man?
Ahmad: Eze your people no matter for dis matter. Even if all of una vote for Oga, the thing wey de blow whistle go still de blow whistle.
Ezeike: Then make una people vote like my people make whistle end.
Ahmad: Eze your people no understand politics and dem no care. Dis matter pass buying and selling.
Ezeike: Which election no be buying and selling? Everything na buy and sell. Buy vote, buy crowd, buy journalist, buy media house, buy protesters. Na una people wey no get market strategy.
Ahmad: People abeg, wetin be dis? My wife ask me say whether dis prison talk na true. Na true?
Obadimu: Na true o. I no go lie you. You don see paper today?
Ezeike: The place wey Baba de talk say na fear de catch Oga make Buhari no send am go jail. Which kind yeye talk be dat?
Obadimu: No be dat news I de talk. I read say dem wan arrange meeting for Buhari and Oga, sake of say make dem settle wetin go happen if Buhari go win by mistake.
Ezeike: Whaaaat?
Ahmad: I read am too. Make e no come be say dis big boys wan cut deal and dem go leave us make Buhari take us do example? See the way Olisa Metuh de talk like Pentecostal pastor. Dat man don see wetin we never see. Na peace e de preach now o.
Ezeike: Whaaat? Dem no fit try dat kind thing.
Obadimu: Na you go stop dem?
Ahmad: No be say we suppode de plan how to protect ourself so? We sef we no suppose follow dead body enter inside grave na.
Obadimu: (thoughtfully) We don tey together o. We no go de hide mouth talk. Wetin make we do wey go keep us safe if we by mistake lose dis election?
Ezeike: That is simple buying and selling, we go need to join dem. Pure and simple.
Ahmad: So we cut a deal for ourself.
Ezeike: I no know wetin you wan cut but I know say make we think am wella. Den make we meet tomorrow or the day after make we know wetin pay us pass.
Ahmad:Na me go come de shout Sai Buhari up and down? E no easy o.
Ezeike: If you go jail, another person go de marry your wife. Your pikin go de call another person “Daddy” It is simple buying and selling.
Barman: Oga, make I bring drinks now?
Ezeike: Barman come. Which drink dem de serve people for Kirikiri?
Barman: Which place …ha Kirikiri no be prison? Dem no de serve drink der o. Na suffer dem de serve. Una wan go there?
Ezeike: (rising) God punish your mama.

Telling the Army Truth… dat one na patriotism!

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Since many days now, the thing we de hear for TV na warning from army to some people. DSS don first warn us tey tey say dem go arrest anybody wey insult the president. We no mind dem because we no de insult anybody. To tell person as e be, no be insult. You no fit beat person come tell am say make e no cry. If NEPA collect my money and dem no give me light. And dem say make I come top money plus the one wey siddon berekete for my meter, anything I tell dem no be insult. But if DSS wan arrest anybody sef, dem go first arrest the president and im people because na dem insult demself pass.

Make dat one pass.
If two pikin de fight, correct mama go separate fight first and then make sure say the children understand say fight no good. No matter, no matter. Na bad mama de abuse the other pikin whether her own pikin right or wrong. So, when army and DSS begin de do like bad mama, the best thing we fit do for our country na to help dem understand how we see am. Then we go work together take end nonsense. Dat na the meaning of patriotism. Na two half bum-bum be one nyash.

They that live in glass houses must not hurl bricks, or have someone hurl bricks for them. It is in fact advisable that they have nothing whatsoever to do with bricks. This is why it gets particularly worrisome to see an institution like the army fighting to restore its dignity. Albeit through threats against citizens who they know they could never move against without crises that will be difficult to manage. So what happened to bring them to this kind of position? What do they need to do or avoid to restore the non-partisan dignified stance that they crave so much?

From since the time we small, we de fear soldier. We small when dem go scatter Fela house. All of us know the song “Zombie” but fear no de let us sing am for Boys Scout not to talk of army. Now, we don grow and na the same thing still de happen. Army de appeal for support and sympathy and we de give. If we hear say dem kill soldier on duty, e de pain us. But wait make you see wetin soldiers de do us when dem vex. Soldier go come buy no-testing and e go use am for one month. When NEPA high voltage damage am, e go return am ask for new one. If you no give dem, dem go so beat you. If you stubborn pass, you go reach barracks. Again, make soldier de drive civilian motor. If dem blow horn and you no quick comot, dem go beat you bad bad not to talk of when dem carry dem oga de waka. Una remember Uzoma Okere? Dem tear fine gal cloth for street. Wetin she do? One day, I dey for street for Abeokuta wey one soldier take belt scatter one side of okadaman head. Blood everywhere. Who you wan go report to? Sotey, if one person don know one or two soldiers, na wetin e like e go de do for street. If you challenge am, na uniform you de invite. No be so e suppose be if you de find respect.

Over the years, soldiers in Nigeria have always been elite. Any retired army boss wey no get money is either an idiot or a religious man. All of dem get connect bad bad and nobody fit ask dem where dem get the money wey dem de spend. Na privilege to be soldier. The only time dem de get fight na peace-keeping and even dat one sef, na dollars dem de collect. All dat na before Boko Haram show dem idiot face. Na Boko Haram open soldier nyash wey make us begin de ask question. For the first time, Nigerians saw their army grossly deficient in equipage and performance. These soldier, like our police, are award winners anytime they go out. But here, they found it difficult to put down a rag-tag army of armed street urchins as we once were led to believe. Then the truth hit us all. The urchins were better armed. We began to ask questions about the welfare of the soldiers we were sending out. They are soldiers but they are our children, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives…they are our family. If they were going to die, they needed to put up a fair fight. The pictures and account we received were indeed disheartening. Eventually, even their wives began to protest and refuse to allow them to “go and die”.

For the first time, we begin hear say soldier refuse to go fight. Some vex for dem GOC because dem say dem Oga just waste some of the soldiers dem life wey make Boko Haram ambush dem. Dem catch dem, dem sentence dem to death. Now, the soldiers wey dem don sentence to death don de pursue hundred. Whether dem kill dem o, whether dem leave dem o. The damage don happen. The money dem give army, nobody fit explain where the money waka go. Soldiers de claim say na because dem no give dem weapon na im make dem refuse to fight. Who make we believe now? Na the small small people  de die every day. The big oga dem de give press conference. Na waa o. Falana talk, Amaechi talk…next thing na warning.

The one wey bad pass na dis political side. Today, more and more Nigerians don de see army as supporting one side. We still de argue say make everybody shut up, say no be so. Some of us see when dem take PDP motor come carry soldiers for election duties, but we no talk because we no fit prove anything. Abi na you wan snap dem? Then like play, we see soldiers with hood for election for Ekiti. We just de look ni o. Wetin? Their minister dat time de run things. DSS men de protect one candidate. Person tire!

Another thing wey de happen come be say a whole army go de do conference de talk something and we go later see say no be so.

Dem say dem don rescue Chibok girls, dem say no be so..

Dem say na inside evil forest of Sambisa the pikin dem day, den dem say Sambisa no be forest at all.

Dem say dem know where Chibok girls dey, dat na since which month?

Dem say na Ogwuche bomb Nyanya and now to prove am de hard dem.

Dem carry civilian plane and civilians go buy arms, till now dem no answer questions wey Nigerians ask.

Dem say dem capture towns, we de hear say Boko Haram still de control those towns.
Dem announce ceasefire and fire no cease.

A few days ago, the army paraded a few crest-fallen dudes and told us that these creatures successfully conned the army, the DSS and DMI into entering a bogus ceasefire deal. I would certainly have preferred if they stayed quiet about it. How do you flaunt your incompetence yourself? How could those boys have convinced them that whoever they were dealing with were Boko Haram? Who are those people anyway?

This drive to convince Nigerians that they are on top of things is what most exposes them to ridicule. My patriotic suggestion is to stop all press conferences. Instead, they could let their successes speak for them. The persons who have always criticized them would eat their words. Then gradually, they could rebuild their suffering image. Na me me I think o.

If you ask me, dem need to stop all dis talk and just do their thing. The interest we de get na because dem de always enter our space de claim wetin no de help dem. Dem no even need am at all but because dem de wan help somebody make the person be like say e de work, dem de talk and talk. The talk dem talk na im de pursue dem now.
So all dis warning to only one side no go help anybody. Make dem do wetin dem suppose do. Na me go mobilize support for dem, even if nobody send me. Na patriotism make me talk o.