Month: February 2015

Kirikiri for who?

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Kirikiri
(Ahmad is startled by the sound of his son flinging away his schoolbag as he ran in from school, his mother trying to console the crying boy)
Junior: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy is it true?
Ahmad: Is what true?
Junior: Is it true that you are going to jail?
Ahmad: Whaaat? Going to jail for doing what? (looking at his wife) Where did he get this nonsense?
Wife: (spreading her hands dramatically) I don’t know but I think it was at school.
Junior: (sobbing) Daddy, but is it true?
Ahmad: Of course not. Where did you hear that?
Junior: My classmates were mocking me. They said if Buhari becomes president, you and Uncle Obadimu would be sent to prison. They say you are bad people.
(There is shocked silence as husband and wife stare at each other)
Ahmad: Which kind of school is this that children discuss politics? (turning to Junior) Come here little man. Go get your lunch. There is no such thing as jail for Big Daddy. Some people are jealous of us that is all. Go get some food and rest. We will go out together.
(Wiping his eyes with the back of his hands, the boy exits)
Wife: I always told you to stop discussing politics in front of this boy but you won’t listen.
Ahmad: Is that why anyone should take this thing to children in primary school?
Wife: Haven’t your people taken this to church? Why does it surprise you that children also know?
Ahmad: This is preposterous!
Wife: But come to think of it, is this prison thing a possibility?
Ahmad: (eyes flashing in anger) Even you?
Wife: (raising both hands in surrender)
Ahmad: (Picking his phone, dialing and waiting a while to connect) Oba, we need to talk o. Carry Eze follow body, make we meet for area sharply. Wahala dey o.
(About 45 minutes later, Ahmad, Obadimu and Eze are sitting in a bar)
Barman: Oga, wetin make I bring for una?
Obadimu: We no run. Make we talk wetin carry us come, we go drink after. (Barman moves away)
Ezeike: Bros wetin de pursue frog for day time abeg.
Ahmad: My pikin come back from school today de cry. E de ask me say whether na true say I de go prison. Imagine that? (Ezeike and Obadimu look at each other). Una no talk?
Obadimu: Which kind school you put your pikin? Which kind yeye thing be dis?
Ezeike: Bia, this matter don de pass play o. Even pikin don de follow de talk am now.
Ahmad: Follow de talk wetin?
Obadimu: Prison na. Say Buhari go carry we go prison if we win.
Ezeike: Wetin we do wey dem go carry us reach prison?
Obadimu: Wetin we no do? This one be like business as usual for your eye? You no read wetin Baba de talk for Nigeria and London?
Ezeike: Nobody de believe am sef.
Ahmad: Who lie give you? Yoruba people too do follow-follow.
Obadimu: I hear. No be Hausa follow-follow de cause dis problem so? No matter wetin you prove to dem, na Sai Baba go be the last answer. Una people tire person sef.
Ezeike: Nobody go vote for murderer, person wey no enter kindergarten.
Obadimu: You still dey on that level. The man don jump am pass. Even if person lie for you, you suppose de lie give yourself?
Ezeike: For my side, na full support. Which Igbo man with correct blood for im vein go vote that Gambari old expired man?
Ahmad: Eze your people no matter for dis matter. Even if all of una vote for Oga, the thing wey de blow whistle go still de blow whistle.
Ezeike: Then make una people vote like my people make whistle end.
Ahmad: Eze your people no understand politics and dem no care. Dis matter pass buying and selling.
Ezeike: Which election no be buying and selling? Everything na buy and sell. Buy vote, buy crowd, buy journalist, buy media house, buy protesters. Na una people wey no get market strategy.
Ahmad: People abeg, wetin be dis? My wife ask me say whether dis prison talk na true. Na true?
Obadimu: Na true o. I no go lie you. You don see paper today?
Ezeike: The place wey Baba de talk say na fear de catch Oga make Buhari no send am go jail. Which kind yeye talk be dat?
Obadimu: No be dat news I de talk. I read say dem wan arrange meeting for Buhari and Oga, sake of say make dem settle wetin go happen if Buhari go win by mistake.
Ezeike: Whaaaat?
Ahmad: I read am too. Make e no come be say dis big boys wan cut deal and dem go leave us make Buhari take us do example? See the way Olisa Metuh de talk like Pentecostal pastor. Dat man don see wetin we never see. Na peace e de preach now o.
Ezeike: Whaaat? Dem no fit try dat kind thing.
Obadimu: Na you go stop dem?
Ahmad: No be say we suppode de plan how to protect ourself so? We sef we no suppose follow dead body enter inside grave na.
Obadimu: (thoughtfully) We don tey together o. We no go de hide mouth talk. Wetin make we do wey go keep us safe if we by mistake lose dis election?
Ezeike: That is simple buying and selling, we go need to join dem. Pure and simple.
Ahmad: So we cut a deal for ourself.
Ezeike: I no know wetin you wan cut but I know say make we think am wella. Den make we meet tomorrow or the day after make we know wetin pay us pass.
Ahmad:Na me go come de shout Sai Buhari up and down? E no easy o.
Ezeike: If you go jail, another person go de marry your wife. Your pikin go de call another person “Daddy” It is simple buying and selling.
Barman: Oga, make I bring drinks now?
Ezeike: Barman come. Which drink dem de serve people for Kirikiri?
Barman: Which place …ha Kirikiri no be prison? Dem no de serve drink der o. Na suffer dem de serve. Una wan go there?
Ezeike: (rising) God punish your mama.