Bloodshed in Nigeria Brings Sweet Rewards

The Reward of Bloodshed Too Sweet for Nigeria Sef
One of the problem we de get for dis country na over-sabi. And when we talk of over-sabi, you fit de think say na people like professor dem we de talk about. But no be so. The people wey de do over-sabi na people wey know pass professor dem. No laugh when I tell you who dem be. Na people wey get half education de do over-sabi pass. Dem get idea of everything but nothing wey dem know fully. Still, dem no go let person hear word. People wey stop school halfway. People wey go university wry no learn anything.
The time I de teach English language for secondary school, e get one problem wey we de see that time. People go de always de come school co!e talk dem own. Parents o, education supervisors dem o, principal o, politician o, PTA member o, all of dem know how we suppose take teach English wey pikin go pass. Dem no de talk put for Mathematics and Physics o. But once na English, dem know wetin I suppose do to ‘deliver the goods’. Why I talk dis thing so? I go give you two reason.
You don hear people de talk dis thing, say “heaven helps those who help themselves”? Dem go de quote am de talk say na Bible talk am. Na lie. E no dey Bible at all. In fact, na the opposite Bible de teach. If we fit save ourself, why Jesus die?
You don hear people talk say, “the end justifies the means”? Wetin dem mean be say, anyhow anyhow, na wetin happen for end na im matter pass. E fit be true but dat no be the meaning of dis talk. The talk de really de tell us say because we get something in the end no mean say the way we take get am no matter. The talk mean say no be say we get something in the end be the only thing wey matter. The way we take get am sef matter seriously.
You see, if we de ask ourself how people de get the thing wey dem de take pose for us, thief-thief go reduce for dis country. Ok, see me o. I be government worker. But if I do one party and I come put fifty canopy and I kill twenty cow and I still bring tanker of beer. Nobody go ask me say how I take get the money. Na bad country de allow dat kind thing de happen. If person live big pass the work wey e de do, we suppose de ask am say how far.

Na dat same thing de give us trouble for area. People go de steal government money and nobody de ask question. Man wey no get work go park like five jeep. Pikin wey no finish school wey no get work go de drive two Toyota and de build house for im papa. Im papa no go ask am say “how far?” Person wey no get shop anywhere go be landlord for three or four mansions. As nobody de ask question, people de bold more and more. Kidnapper dem de carry human being go do medicine for money. One day, person broke and the next day e be millionaire and all we go talk na “baba o”!

Too many people de benefit from dis kind thing. The same thing de happen for so many things wey de involve bloodshed for dis country. The reward for bloodshed too sweet. Person go thief money, come kill person join. Dem go send police carry am. We go say thank God say one bad person don comot for area. Wait six months, e go return de chop the money e thief. All dat plenty o but the one wey hold my mind now na different one. When I get sense to de read book dat time, I try read “Gone With the Wind”. From the small I read, I come learn say money dey for to build something and money still dey for to destroy dat thing. Money come still dey for to re-build am hehehehe. Na so e be for civil war. People de die for East for 1967, people for other parts of Nigeria de party, de marry, de go school de do normal for North and West. Blood de pour and so many people de benefit. Some de run blockade, some de sell weapons and some de steal useful things. I remember the time Odumegwu Ojukwu de fight to reclaim im papa house for Lagos. Dat house for Hawksworth wey JAMB de use dat time. All people de die, dem run leave dem property, other people occupy dem de collect rent for years! Na only people wey survive the war come back to claim dem property. The others……hehehehee! E don try!

Another one dey.
Some people be oga for South West now. Na OPC dem take climb. That time, na so so fight and kill and maim and loot. Dem fight plenty for Lagos. Some people de take the name of OPC de operate cult. Some de take the name of OPC de kill dem opponent. Some take OPC de do armed robbery. Some use OPC take organize demself for election. Blood de pour and some de smile enter bank. In the end, some people become leader of the people onto say dem fit kill people or dem get people wey de help dem kill people. How dem go stop  when dem de enjoy the reward of dem wickedness.

E never finish o.
Na so e still happen for South East when one governor introduce Bakassi Boys. Dat time, MOSSOB dem still dey but Bakassi na dem superior for wickedness. Dem give dem power to de wipe out crime. Na so dem give dem open back pick-up vans. Dem go siddon for the back with shiny cutlass with red cloth wey dem tie on am. Dem go de waka for town de find thief. Dem go say dem de work on tip off. Dem go catch person and dem go say dem de carry am go dem lab. Wetin be dis lab? Dem go do juju and dem say if the person don kill person before, the cutlass go turn red. Once e happen like that the person don go be dat. Dem go carry am go the front of im papa house. Den dem go stand am there and begin de cut all im hand and leg one by one until dem go cut im head and dem go put tyre come put fire. People wey suspect say somebody kill dem family years before begin report to dem. Dem de carry suspects go lab. Dem kill some, dem free some. Na dem juju be law. Police no get mouth.
See fear for town. For 21st century na im dem de take juju check who be thief! And the state government for Anambra de support them. Anyway, people run away from town o. Political opponents know say dem no safe. See  the way dis Bakassi boys de form, de do party, DW enjoy. Blood de pour. Blood de pour, dem de drink de happy. Blood de pour, some people de smile enter bank and who wan stop dem? Na until dem oga lose election all of dem run away.

E still remain o!
Niger Delta soon start dem own. Dem begin de blow up oil things. Dem de hala de ask say make dem give dem dem right. Na on top dat one dem do Saro-Wiwa. Dem kill am and some people among im people benefit from dat wickedness. Abacha turn some of im people against am. Dem plan am well, dem kill am and some others. Before e tey, many boys rise up and the matter big. Dem kill soldier, soldier kill dem. Obasanjo enter Odi go scatter ground. The same way e scatter ground for Zakibiam. Blood everywhere. Who send anybody. Talk make you lost! People die no be small. Obasanjo say na terrorists dem kill. Jonathan later talk say na women and children dem kill. Oyinbo people sef follow die for Niger Delta. Later, things settle and money full everywhere. Asari Dokubo don get university and Tompolo get contract pass Julius Berger. All the blood wey throway, nobody de talk am. If you call dem terrorist, GOVERNMENT go tell you say shut up. Dem go say dem be activists, agitators, militants. We know wetin dem be…kidnappers and murderers! Dem kill people and now dem de chop the benefit of bloodshed. E good make dem get reward for wetin dem land de produce but blood dey inside am now. Dem give dem amnesty and dem begin de chop money. Others de look na.

E no too tey, Boko Haram come start dem own. Na inside am we dey now. Nobody for sleep again . To waka for Abuja na work now. To go watch match na risk. Dem de kill people in hundred plus at a time. Wetin be dis? Still onto this matter, everybody de point the other person say na im de do am. Buhari say na Federal Government be the biggest Boko Haram. General Azazzi say make we ask PDP. Labaran Maku say na opposition de do am. Olisa Metuh de accuse anybody e like. Muslims say dem hand no dey and Christians de ask dem whether na Bible Boko Haram de quote. Blood de pour and we de hear say some people de chop the money wey we suppose de use fight Boko Haram. Blood de pour, some people de become millionaires. Every time hundred people die, government go say na twenty. Some pressmen and government soldiers for social network go collect money de lie say na only ten people die for place wey e be say na more than one hundred die. I just tire. Dem sef don de find amnesty. Who no like to chop money? Dem shed blood pass Niger Delta, so maybe dem own money go big pass. We no kukuma know who go shed blood next make dem for collect dem own share.
We no know which side matter de go as dem carry small girls go. Army de talk pass political party. Everybody de talk. Jonathan de talk. Mark de talk. Maku de talk. Olukolade de talk. Shettima de talk. Nyako de talk. Ali Modu Sherrif de talk. WAEC de talk. Patience de talk. Protesters de talk. US de talk. Cameroon de talk. Boko Haram de talk.

Blood de pour! Money de fly. We choose who we like to believe, we go enter Facebook de argue. Blood de pour!

Example do joo! Wetin dey inside dis matter be say too many people de enjoy the reward of bloodshed for dis country and nobody de challenge dem not to talk of to do dem anything. Dat’s why dem de bold more and more every day. Na we get our country and na we go tell our country the truth. Too many people de benefit from bloodshed and dat no be better thing at all. The reward for bloodshed sweet for Nigeria. E too sweet and e no go change except we by ourself talk say, “e don do”.


What If Chibok is a Lie?

I don carry wahala come again abi? E get one thing wey we de do for dis country wey get as e be. Every day, we go de debate for Facebook, for Twitter, for newspaper stand, for chat rooms. We go de vex for each other because we de support people wey no even know say we dey. We de shout de hail politicians wey we know say dem be bad people. Why e de be like dat?
One reason be say we de like some people. And because we like dem, we go de jealous for dem. We no go like make anything bad do dem. We no de like to hear bad news about dem. We go de defend, even when we know say the person we de support don commit. That’s why when we see wetin be true, we go de argue say na lie. Some other time, the reason we de support wetin we know say na lie be say e get as the lie de pay us. I go give example. Na for our eye governors go do election. We see the video with our own eye. Then dem show us say na Governor Rotimi Amaechi win election. The next thing we hear be say na Governor Jonah Jang win! No do no do, Jonathan support dem until dem get two different Governor’

Na for Nigerian level I come hear say dem de win election by counting people wey previously agree to vote for you or people wey suppose vote for you. Ballot paper no increase. No foreign body enter there. Only una only una, and still una scatter ground. Oga wey we expect say e go play role of elder statesman sef! Next thing, oga support one group! This people de shame us no be small!

Chai!   Chai!!   Chai!!! There is a devil o!!!!!!!!!!

Next thing I hear, dem de ask dat kind question wey we de ask when we don know say nothing else to say. E be like when man de remove im shirt come break mug. And the mug sef, na im put am there. E go de ask say, “What is that mug doing there in the first place?” Im wife go talk say, “But you put it there”.  The man go answer, “If I put it there, does it have to remain there?” Hehehehehehe!!

Na dat kind thing na im delay Chibok matter. As we hear say dem don carry plenty pikin go, na so some people begin talk say na lie. As some people de shout say dem don carry pikin, some people de shout with louder voice say, “which girls?” No kind question wey we no hear. The question dem confuse us as we de try find out wetin be true and wetin be lie. Plenty people de ask say,

How dem manage do am?
How dem fit pack girls plenty like dat?
Wey all the boys dey?
Why dem no carry teacher or principal or dem family?
Wey security dey when dem carry the girls?
Wey dem carry dem go?
Wey the ones wey say dem escape?
How dem manage escape from men wey carry gun?
Why dem no comot the girls from Chibok as waec suggest?
Wetin the governor de do since dem carry the girls?
Why governor give money to dem family?
Wey the parents of the girls sef?
Dem no get photo and name? Why una no publish dem?
Which place be Sambisa, Nigeria or South America?
No be some people say dem go make country ungovernable?
No be opposition de do dis thing?
Who tell parents make dem de go Sambisa?

Haaaa! Question plenty and maybe dat na why government confuse. For three weeks nothing happen until all people vex enter street. The rest na history. Before you know anything, na international matter. Everybody carry sign board, #bringbackourgirls! Everywhere! Some people sef don answer with different banner #releaseourgirls. One thing don clear. Some believe and some no believe. But all dat no be the koko of dis discussion. The koko be something different.

What about if Chibok na lie?

What about if Chibok na lie. What about if na person wey we no think na im plan am? What about if no be Boko Haram do am? What about if na Boko Haram do am on behalf of somebody?
If gbaaam! Dem just see say the whole thing na lie, some people go shout, dem go phone dem friend wey dem de argue the matter since. Some go post for Facebook and dem go tag all the people wey no believe all dis time say na lie. For the next one month, nobody go hear word for dem. Dem go talk no be small. I come de think say make I look wetin fit happen if say we wake up tomorrow and Chibok na lie.
All the protesters go sing go welcome the children. Dem go say dem no wan know whichever political nonsense wey anybody wan talk. Dem don achieve wetin dem want and dat na say the pikin dem wey lost, don found. Dem fit protest one day more take make sure say government begin de give those pikin the right type of post-trauma whatever. Dem go clap for each other say, like say dem no talk, na so all dis pikin dem go lost. The ones wey de vex say the whole thing na lie go dey there but dem go straight face like say nothing wrong under. All those traditional rulers wey hide before and all those Muslim clerics and CAN people go come out de make long speech. The protesters go swear down for anybody wey ever carry pikin dem take do politics. The protesters go only listen to the speeches because dem dey happy. Dem go return home go chop well well. Maybe the next week na Allison Madueke dem go face. One thing sure. Nothing wey start for Naija wey de end. Days why nollywood de get part 1 to 6 and dem go say, ‘this is just the beginning’.
Peope for opposition go take ear gum TV, fix eye for Internet and listen to any news dem see, even if na Chinese. Dem wan sure say one mumu never embarrass dem. Then dem go enter TV take condemn terrorism. Dem go commend government for finally taking the decisive step under immense pressure and doing what they should have done a long time ago. Dem go say, “if the government had responded as opposition had expected and in fact prescribed, this debacle could have ended weeks ago. Hehehehehe who wan carry last?
On the matter say na plan somebody plan just to embarrass government, opposition go condemn such unpatriotic action. Dem go say, “It is foreign to the convictions of the opposition”. If by any mistake, dem don name one opposition somebody say na im do am, opposition go talk say dem no send am. Na im own action im de do no be party work. But for back, dem fit enter negotiation to temper justice with mercy especially as dem sef know some bad thing wey government don do. Dem and government fit negotiate and dem go sell us again. We go dey de shout de abuse our papa and mama for dem. Life goes on. Small time, we go forget as we de always forget.
If dem catch government say na dem do dis kind thing, first thing na to do impact assessment take know how the thing don spread. If e don spread, dem go activate damage control. Dem go call all dem loudmouth dem. Dem go give dem assignment for microphone, for keyboard and touch pad. Dem sef go reach out to opposition say “how we go do dis one o? We get fuck-up but una sef get” den dem go begin negotiation.
Dis man wey EFCC hold, free am.
Dat chairman house wey you wan demolish, leave am. Carry you carnal go another side.
Dat estate for wey you say na fake C of O dem take hold the land, get dem original C of O.
That man wey una sue for libel, yes. Withdraw the suit.
That aspirant wey no get certificate, make dem go find waec give am abeg.
Na so dem go plan am, dem go sell us. We go dey here de shout until the day we go discover and we no go know where to begin. Twelve years after, somebody go write am as best seller. We go buy am, read am and resume argument.
Na dis American angle de sweet me laugh pass. Sometime, you go de think say dem come because dem wan help us. Na true. Dats why dem come true true. But the funny thing be say, if Americans find out say na government de do us, dem no go talk. If dem find out say na opposition de do us, dem no go talk. Why e go be like dat? Na so dem be. Na dem oga dem de take order from not your oga hehehehehe! Of course we get general for here na. Dem go salute you but na der e end. Some time sef dem fit de feel say dem lieutenant pass our general. I just de play o! All me I think be say dem no go tell us anything. Everything na by negotiation and America no get enemy. Na interest dem get. Dem go give us our girls but we go pay for am with…………………..crude!!

Na so dem go do us. We go waka round finish and we resume for the place wey we begin. I just want make you know say wetin we go gain from this thing be say our mind don strong to stand up against anything evil wey dey we country. Dats all. Wen we give the girls back to dem parents, we go decide wetin we go take our new energy take do.

And by the way, if by mistake na me discover say Chibok na lie. Or na me discover say na true and I know who do am….i go don pass border before I go post am for one group wall. As I press send, I go throway the phone for water and I go run face anywhere belle face….
I no get power for DSS abeg!

Na Who Wan Join Army These Days

Those of us wey dem born immediately before, during or immediately after civil war, we be special people. E get as we de think. I come de think say maybe na because na corn milk dem take train us. You know wetin be corn milk? Me sef I no know but I remember the taste. That time, even breast milk no too de run. No be who don chop belleful de get breast milk to give pikin?
(Na dat time Britain de send gun and bomb give Nigeria and at the same time de send relief materials give Biafra. E don tey wey dem oyinbo don de mess up our life)
Wait I wan do something. I wan give warning. The material you are reading is fictional. All the people mentioned in it bear no resemblance to anyone dead or alive. Do not take it seriously.
Last week, I hear for TV when one oga for soja de announce say dem de recruit young able-bodied Nigerian males to join army. Dem call dem volunteers. Dem say dem go give dem intensive training so dat dem go join the fight against Boko Haram. O boy, my body weak!
(All the time I know Nigerian army, na enjoyment dey der. Salary no de delay and government de fear dem. Any army man we retire from even major and e no be millionaire, dat mean say dem de follow am from village. Even after dem comot army, na dem get all the sweet contract. Any fuck-up happen, na dem de head probe panel. Na dem get Ports Authority for instance and na dem complimentary card de sell pass. Wait first. You know say applicants de buy complimentary card take attach to application letter? Mtshceew!)
I come de ask myself say which kind announcement be dis? Dem de tell me say make I come join army so dat I go face Borno, Adamawa and Yobe and dem de expect say I go come? All kind yeye thing just de fly enter inside my mind. I de ask TV say, wey all the people wey dey army de chop since? Dem no fit fight again abi dem don finish? How e come be say na part-time soldier na im good to fight Boko Haram? In the end, I conclude say na only two group of people fit join army for dis time. One, people wey like army and wey like to fight die. Two, people wey don frustrate wey be say any way forward na way. So, what about people wey dey patriotic? Where you from come sef?

(Patriotism na bad word walahi. Na one of those word wey belong to poor people. So you no know say some words belong to poor people? Make I tell you some others:
Patriotism (noun) word wey dem de tell poor man if e complain say rich man own don too much.
Prison 1: (noun) imaginary place used to scare rich man make e no over-thief publicly
Prison. 2: (noun) place where we keep poor troublesome people to prevent them from troubling big men
Corruption 1: (noun) when opposition thief anything from goat to money
Stealing: Anything at all, irrespective of quantity fraudulently acquired by government and officials (NB dis is not same as corruption)
Law: set of rules wey dem make to protect rich people and fire poor people
Lawyer: people wey no de thief but if you thief enough, dem gat your back for a share
NTA, AIT: (abbrev) mythical table tools used by spin doctors for hypnotism directed at the gullible masses (NB not to be confused with Nigerian television stations)

The time wey civil war start, e be like say e de sweet. Every time wahala dey, you go de hear people de talk say, “make we fight war abeg”. One time, na woman wey carry pikin for hand de talk am for inside taxi. I bin wan tell am wetin fit happen to am and her pikin if war catch dem. But as I no wan make anybody swear for me, na so I quiet. People wey know wetin war be, dem no de bend mouth anyhow de talk about war. Dem know say na terrible thing de happen for war. For instance, as Biafra-Nigeria war come de go….. de go… go, e reach one time, soja dem begin run away. Soja no come de  join by demself. So  dem begin de catch dem de carry go army. Dem de call am conscription. Na by-force army be dat. So all the boys for village come de run enter bush go hide. If dem catch small ones, dem go say make dem de carry ‘ogbunigwe’ de follow soja dem. Big ones, na straight to army. If you get luck you fit get army shirt or trouser. Dem go train you with stick wey get shape like rifle for one week and the first time you go touch gun na for battle front. Boys die!!!!
(People de think say war na like dem de see for film. Days why if you look MOSSOB, na small boys full der. If you look Asari and Uwazurike, you go wan ask dem something. If war start, im sister go live among poor people for Bayelsa abi dem mama go follow run enter creek de dive inside water to avoid bullet? Frederick Faseun or Gani Adams go carry gun abi Yinka Odunmakin go go training for jungle to become Major? When dem scatter area, na dem go first run. From APC, PDP, LP, UPN…na dem go first clear!

My papa tell me how dem take catch am wey e nearly take go soja. As the war de bad de go, e come post im family go east and im come de return to come join dem for village. For east dat time, na all kind language dey.
E manage de hear wetin the officer de talk sef because before the war, people from Delta say dem no be Igbo people. From Abudu, from Agbor, Obior, Umunede, Asaba, Okpanam, Ibuzo, Ogwashi-Uku, Iselle-Uku, Ubulu-Uku to Kwale dem full there. All of dem first talk say dem no be Igbo but when Nigerian soja come, dem no de hear English before. All na Igbo! All man face River Niger.

Anyway, as my papa de go na so  dem catch am on top im bicycle.. Dem come line dem up de interview dem before dem recruit dem. When e reach palee turn, the man ask am whether e go school. Palee answer say yes and im just de graduate from University of Ibadan. Na so the man look am come ask am say wey im family. Palee say e wan go join dem. The man come sorry for am say make dem leave am make e de go. Palee carry im bicycle fly come village hehehehehee!
As dem come de talk say make boys come again now, na dat thing come dey my mind. Na now we go know who really like Nigeria. You go join?
We don de understand now for the first time say soja na human being. E get mama and e get family. Forget say dem de beat us like shege for street. Now wey we get chance to join, some parents go be like, “join wetin?” The boy go be like, “But dad, I always wanted to join and you said I could”. The papa go be like, “Trust me boy, the times are different. This is not the right time.” The boy go still de insist like dis generation de do. “But dad, I don’t see…” Papa eye go red. “That’s the point! You see nothing. I said you could join. Now I say you can’t! And that’s it”. The boy look im mama. Mama own no be grammar. Na straight talk. “See, your father is afraid of losing you. If your papa no fit cope, how I go be? You can join if dem go recruit you and your mama. Instead wey I go cry the rest of my life make I kukuma die. Make other people cry for us”.

Na true picture of wetin dis recruitment offer de cause for family be dis and you sef know say na true!

Before before, na heavy selection before dem take you. You go find complementary card reach Senate. You go reduce your age. You go swear fake affidavit say you be from Bayelsa when your name na Ebele. You go shake hands, many many hand before dem go take you. Why be dat? Because army sweet. All of a sudden, dem de take announcement de call us. Hmmmmm! Something don happen!
One soja boy talk say the part wey de sweet pass na the peace-keeping for other countries. Dollar de follow dem come back. On top peace keeping, many of dem don born pikin wey go bear Nigerian name de play football for national team of Sudan, Liberia, Sierra Leone. But dis one na bad one. Na for our own country we wan fight dis fight and na naira we go collect. And as things be sef, the naira no de come out sef. And na N2,500 dem go still wan collect from you even on top of your patriotism. Anyway make I no talk too much.
Na now we go known who really like Nigeria. You go join army to fight Boko Haram abi you no go join?

As for me, I don pass the age wey dem advertise!

Abeg Na Who Thief Vice President Namadi Sambo Cow?

The time wey we dey primary school, e get wetin we go hear wey go pass our sense. When we hear that kin thing, na song we de sing take show say we don see wonder. We de sing say,
“Come and see …..America wonder
Come and see……. America wonder”.
When we don sing dat one, then we don prepare our mind to hear something be dat.
Na for all dis small small blog I first de see headline say some people go thief Namadi Sambo cow. I first no wan read am because all dis small blogs dem fit to talk anything at all just to get attention. In fact, matter for dis country don reach stage wey some people de write dem own news item by demself according to wetin dem for like make e happen. Den dem go post am go one mad website and from there dem go de place link all over Facebook and twitter. Like say I don ready to face dem now, I for don ready to name some of those Facebook group wey de do dis nonsense. But as today na Sunday, and the sermon for church still de purge out the evil forces inside my belle, make I take am easy. Wetin I been de tell you sef o…? Ahaaaa! Oga Namadi Sambo cow.
When I see that thing say V. P Namadi Sambo lose N200m. I first think say whether e take the money bet say Arsenal go lose F. A Cup. I bin don de think say God don catch am when I open the site, I come see say na the man cow dem come pack.
Choi! People bad o!
But I still no wan believe, so I begin find am from any strong news source. Gbaaam! I see am for sunnewsonline. Dem talk say na “2,000 imported special specie cows”. Dem still talk for there say no be Namadi Sambo be the first to hear wheeen! Dem say the Emir of Zazzau, Alhaji Shehu Idris sef don hear am. Dem say some bad arse people go the man farm for Sabo Road area for Zaria go pack 250 cow just like dat. Dem still talk say the Tor of Tiv, Dr. Afred Akawe Torkula for Benue sef don see dat kind wahala too when some people come loot the man livestock. Dem also talk say na special people de thief all dis cow and no be Boko Haram because dem don de thief cow before Boko Haram show. I still look for another source. Na so I see am again for Daily Trust, see am for Leadership Newspapers. As I come see am again for Osun Defender, at once, na im I shout say
I no talk ‘Chai’ o! ……………………………… There is a difference.
First of all, I come sorry for Namadi Sambo. Me and my friends sorry for am well well. We come de talk say, haa! The man quiet well well. E no de pass im boundary. We talk say the man de sabi control im wife sef. We talk say na good Muslim man wey make sense. We even like the small small laugh wey e de laugh for photo. We even talk say we de always see Jonathan wear Hausa man cloth take de find vote but we never see Sambo wear Jonathan parachute…sorry South-South…wetin dem de call dat cloth sef?
We finish first bottle, and we call barman.
We still de talk. We talk say but na waa o. Some people get silent money. We come talk say money dey for cow business o. No wonder Fulani herdsmen de form rubbish when anybody near dem cow. Den one on my friend come begin scratch head. We know say when e begin de scratch head, e wan talk something bad.
We finish second bottle, and we call barman.
Boys don de warm. Piss don de wan de catch me when this my friend talk one bad talk. Piss disappear! The boy talk say,
“So Namadi Sambo na one of those Fulani herdsmen den?”
Everywhere quiet. One man wey dey next table carry im drink for one hand, take the other hand drag im babe go far table.
We know say our friend don craze but we no know the type.
“Which kind yeye talk be dat. Vice President de  follow cow?” I asked.
“If e get reach 2000 cow, wetin dem de chop for north abi the man de import grass? Na 2000 imported cow dem thief. How many local cow go dey ground? Somebody must to de help am carry the cow waka round. And you think say e no go support herdsmen if matter come?”
We talk go front talk go back. Some time, three of us go de talk the same time and the fourth person just de chew bottle cover. We
We dismiss third bottle. We call barman.
By the time we open fourth bottle na den trouble start. One of us wey never talk all dis time, wey just de chew bottle cover, just clear im throat. Naturally, all man keep quiet. We know say one of two things wan happen. The man fit talk sense or the beer for im belle fit talk thrash.
“How many motor go load 2,000 cow sef?”
Nobody answer. We still de think am when e ask another one.
“How many people go load am put inside motor and how long e go take dem to load am?”
We de look  our new wizard. So dis man de think all dis time!
“When dem drive go, nobody call Sambo?”
“If dem fit thief Vice President cow go, dem fit thief all human being for one complete village.”
By now, those of us wey our eye still clear, we don de know where the guy de carry dis talk go.
“If dem fit carry 2,000 cow waka, how dem no go carry 270 girls? And some people de ask question say how can Chibok be possible. Una go still drink abi make we come de go before dem abduct us here. Nobody go kukuma find us.”
When dem order fifth bottle for everybody, we no even wan touch the bottle. We de think.
As some people no de like to think, make I think for dem.
How dem take carry two thousand cows wey belong to Namadi Sambo. If dem fit carry 2000 malu, how dem no go fit carry 250 girls? Malu no de fear. Dem no know gun. Dem carry dem one by one put inside that motor abi dem use Ctrl+V, cut and paste? Dem come drive go. Nobody call Sambo? I think say as VP, dem suppose put helicopter for am at once, make secret service track the bad boys catch all of dem. Everything stand still until those people waka, nobody see dem. Soldiers for the place say dem job na to keep the peace not to de pursue cow thief. Dem no investigate take trace the cow as dem no be common specie. Dem just keep quiet de try to sweep the whole thing under the carpet because e go cause political wahala. No be the same way Chibok happen be dat? Cow lost wey pass N200m and o boy de form like say e no feel am. Anyway, money still dey. But Chibok na human beings. If you sweep dem under carpet, the carpet no fit flat lai lai.
As we de ready to stagger home, we know say we no follow anybody argue whether Chibok happen or na scam. All we know that evening be say, if dem fit thief cow, dem go fit thief human being.
“Barman! Bring my bill sharply, otherwise na next time you go collect your money”.