Jonathan Men Need to Shut Up!

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Those of us wey like to watch football, know say football no de end for field. We learn one important lesson from wetin happen for English Football. Rafael Benitez be coach of Liverpool many years. E do well o. E win many things. Then, some of those aproko journalist dem come ask am say whether e go like coach Chelsea if dem give am chance. The man provoke. The man take mouth yeye Chelsea no be small. E no tey, Benitez waka comot England. E no tey, Chelsea sack dem coach as dem de always do. Na so dem call Benitez make e come coach dem. The man go o. But from the day e enter there, many of the Chelsea fan dem don de vex de carry banner say dem no want am. Na im bad mouth de follow am so.
Dat kind mouth no good sam-sam! The thing cause am wey the man no just tey for Chelsea before e comot. Even though say e win and e do well, dem no wan know. Dem pursue am.

Different kind of bad-mouth dey.
Mouth wey no de close dey
Mouth wey no de stay one place dey
Mouth wey no fit keep secret dey
Mouth wey no de talk true dey
Mouth wey de jump dey
Mouth wey de shoot like catapult dey
Mouth wey de put fire for house dey

See, all dis mouth no be better thing and na all dis kind mouth de give Jonathan headache. The people wey de work with Oga Jonathan de always de talk, de talk, de talk sotey person go begin wonder whether dem de support dem Oga  abi dem just wan de give am more problem.
Before you vex, I go give you plenty example of wetin dem de do so dat you sef go follow de wonder say, “Which one dis people dey sef?” And e get one more thing wey I go try do. When I talk some kind thing, I go try place the link for the side so dat you sef fit click on the link make you go check am whether I tell true abi I de lie.
One main thing wey de tire me be say people wey de work under Jonathan dem too sabi talk two things. Once upon a time, na so we come see say we no see First Lady for area. All the matter wey she de put mouth before just dey and she no talk. We begin ask question. Na so dem tell us say she just stroll go Germany go rest.
We first say which work she been de do wey she go de rest. But you know dat kind things na. When person get new dress, the person go de find where e go waka go make people for see the dress. As madam get opportunity and get jet plane, and as e no fit take jet go Wuse Market, she kukuma de go Germany na. But e no tey, na im some people hala us say madam sick seriously. Fear catch us. You see, the time Stella Obasanjo die, we no hear say she sick. We just wake up and Remi Oyo tell us say she don die. E be like dream. Nobody get chance pray for am and we no wan make dat mistake again. So we begin de ask government say wey our Mama Peace dey. Sotey Abati sef follow enter matter tell us say she just go rest and say she no sick.

http://www.punchng.com/news/mrs-jonathan-not-ill-shes-only-resting-abroad-presidency/

Only for time to pass small make Mama Peace come back de tell us say na she be the new Lazarus. In fact, she senior Lazarus sef because Lazarus na three days the man die. But Mama Peace die seven days. No matter say she don first talk say she no go hospital, she confess, do heavy party with plenty governors there, former Ghana president and too many people. Dem shoe am live for NTA local and heavenly.

http://mobile.saharareporters.com/gallery/photonews-first-lady-patience-jonathans-n500-million-resurrection-thanksgiving-service-abuja

And the time she de do her testimony, Abati dey there de smile muyen-muyen. Somebody de tell me later say make I no talk like this. E say make I think am say, at that time wey Abati de talk, the woman fit neva sick! Chai!! Darris God o! We turn mumu for dem eyes abi dem fear say na we de use winch do the woman?

No be only this one sef de make me laugh. Sometime, some government people de vex for each other sef.  Dem go de vex say, how dis man go de talk like say im sense go leave. Na Oga Stainless, David Mark I de talk so. E get one time when we de shout say we nonwant N5000 note and David Mark hear wetin Labaran Maku talk. Na so the man provoke. Na so Mark talk say Maku de talk first and then think after. E call am careless talker. Hehehehe

http://www.punchng.com/news/maku-is-a-careless-talker-senate-president/

See laugh! But I no too allow myself laugh for that David Mark matter because im sef get bad mouth. The man tell us some years ago say poor people no suppose get phone. Anyway them man de chop the reward. The poorest person na the person wey no fit waka for street among the people wey e say e de lead. The man don deny dat thing say no be wetin I’m talk. E de say I’m only talk say person wey wan use telephone go must pay for am. Hmmm! Even sef na the time wey we DW fire am for another matter e talk out. We DW fight am say e wan make dem reduce freedom of internet users we de fire government.
Still on dis David Mark matter. When the Chibok matter enter space, na so different kind idea de come from everywhere. Na so Jonathan boys de comment freely like say na WAEC question. One person go talk, another person go give  different talk. Maku say Nigerian government will go to any length to get the girls back.

http://thenationonlineng.net/new/chibok-fg-vows-rescue-abducted-girls/

Another source say Federal Government go negotiate with the terrorists. David Mark say Federal Government no go lai-lai negotiate under any circumstance.

http://m.premiumtimesng.com/news/160662-chibok-schoolgirls-nigeria-will-negotiate-terrorists-david-mark.html

In the end, we hear from foreign media say two different person de negotiate on behalf of the government.

http://m.premiumtimesng.com/news/160662-chibok-schoolgirls-nigeria-will-negotiate-terrorists-david-mark.html

See mouth!! But government don deny the Austrian negotiator. Who make we believe?

As we still de laugh over dat one, na so we hear say Jonathan go give amnesty to Boko Haram. O boy, we rush phone. We burn megabytes, just to find out who talk am and whether na true. True true we see the thing and we see say na minister talk am. We debate dat thing sotey we wan finish the beer for West End Bar. Those wey say na true de argue say if no be so, why the president no correct the minister when e make im own speech abi im de sleep when the minister de talk? The debate continue for three days until somebody carry more news come say Abati talk say no be so. At first, we no gree. We carry phone. We burn megabyte, we even see am for Channels TV. Haba! Wetin de worry dis people sef? Dem no fit think and talk the same?  Everyday dem go de do us one ziggy or the other. Abati go come out come re-educate us. As usual, na we wrong. As in the case of Mbu wey ban protest, nobody mention Boni Haruna. Na we de fuck up not dem.

http://thenationonlineng.net/new/confusion-over-amnesty-offer-to-boko-haram-members/

Sometime, dis double-talk de make us laugh but sometime, na serious matter. Like the time wey dem first kidnap those girls. Next thing we know, dem tell us say army talk say dem don catch the girls back. Only few still de miss and dem go bring dem back too. Small time, we hear say the parents of the girls de ask say, “wey the pikin dem wey una say una help us catch back?” Na den, army gree say dem mess up. We de look each other as if we de see ourself for the first time. Army sef de follow de talk nonsense? Police own no go surprise anybody. Na since we grow up we don know say police matter no get direction. But army! Now, na to de hold press conference all the time. Even, na Oga patapata Alex Badeh by himself de talk now. Who born Marylyn Ogar now? Even Police IG sef be like say e de mind imself hehehe!

Some other time dey, wey e go be say government go talk, you go de wonder whether dis people de feel the people pain at all. One Saturday evening, we begin de hear news say some people die for stadium. We first de ask say how come. We all know say no match for stadium, so wetin de carry people go there. Later, we come understand say na Nigerian Immigration Service organize recruitment. We see people for stadium, e be like say dem de watch world cup. Anyway, all dat one for no matter except say people die follow that thing. As dem die, Nigerians provoke de ask say na who supervise that recruitment. Instead make dem talk wetin go cool people mind, na so dem de talk say na the fault of the people say dem die. Some say the job seekers no get discipline. Others talk say dem no suppose plenty like so because people wey be gainfully employed already no suppose come. Hear talk. Dat’s why people vex say make dem remove the Internal Minister. Before, dem wan take style blame the Comptoller of NIS but the man get sense die. Na so the man open mouth tell dem wetin dem no like to hear. We say make dem remove the minister. Maybe na tomorrow dem go remove am.
Since the time dem remove Sanusi as Central Bank governor, the matter come be say whether money lost or e no lost. Small time, e be how much wey lost and how much wey no lost. As matter de go, na different thing Okonjo Iweala de talk and na different thing Federal Government boys de talk. Until last week wey Senate committee say money no lost. Hehehehe. E just be like the one wey happen with N2.8b for Obasanjo time as military Head of State. Fela yab dem no be small. For dat song e call Army Arrangement

Nigeria get the money
Foreign money for oversea
Nigeria get the money
Foreign money for oversea
Announcement start to happen
Newspaper carry them paper
Radio dey shout for studio
Obasanjo turn vocalist
Yar’Adua road manager
Every government statement
Seven billion naira missing
Missing from oversea
Foreign currency scandal
Them start to arrest everybody o
E no finish, e no finish…
Doctor, lawyer, hustlers
Engineer, photographers
Doctor, lawyer, hustlers
Engineer, photographers
All of them Kirikiri
Ten to fifteen years in jail
After one year inside jail
Civilian government take over
Them release all of dem
Them say dem be innocent o

E no finish, e no finish…

Two-point-eight-billion naira
Oil money is missing
Two-point-eight-billion naira
Oil money is missing
Them set up inquiry
Them say money no lost o
Them dabaru everybody
Supervisor Obasanjo
Them say make him no talk o
“Money no lost,” them shout again
Inquiry come close o

The thing wey I de talk na simple thing. Different government officials fit de go de embarrass demself and dat one no matter. Like the time wey a whole information minister talk say na Jonathan carry Facebook come Nigeria. Make una help us tell am say we de wait for Twitter. People like Olisa Metuh just de shout but dat na as PDP. Anything e like make e de talk. The same for James Evah, Asari Dokubo and even Ralph Uwazurike and Frederick Faseun. Some new loudmouths de even de come out de join. Na dem know.
Other matters dey o. Like police equipment money. Some say dem release money. Some say dem no see money. Like Maku wey talk say 85% of protesters na APC. Dem tell am  make e talk about 15 years of uninterrupted democracy for Nigeria, e begin tell us how APC no go work and who comot APC come back to PDP. All dat one na side attraction.
But when e turn to matter of wetin government de tell dem people and if dem no fit talk only one thing, something wrong. Na the same Oga dem get, why dem de run go talk. The thing no be competition na ….except, hmmm except Oga de dey incommunicado sometimes. Hmmmm!
And only yesterday, dat Police Commissioner wey dem carry go FCT from Rivers State just forget imself come ban rallies for FCT. E don forget say no be Rivers State e dey again.  People  shout say wetin? Some enter court, some enter social network and today, police de say dem no ever issue any ban on protests. I for like ask police PPRO Mba whether Mbu na soldier or police. How the man all by imself go make dat announcement without clearance from the oga dem? Police de talk like say na we invent the story of the ban.

My bros If you no tire for dis people, me I go tire for you o!
I no wan bring Patience Jonathan matter here again. She de chuck mouth for government matter and nobody de tell am. I wan talk something and if you fit, prove me wrong. All dis Jonathan men dem de do dem Oga pass as opposition de do the man. Dem de be like enemy sometimes. Check am, many people no really hate Jonathan but when dem see Maku, Metuh, Okupe dem go de vex for Jonathan. I de waka my own jare!

Bloodshed in Nigeria Brings Sweet Rewards

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The Reward of Bloodshed Too Sweet for Nigeria Sef
One of the problem we de get for dis country na over-sabi. And when we talk of over-sabi, you fit de think say na people like professor dem we de talk about. But no be so. The people wey de do over-sabi na people wey know pass professor dem. No laugh when I tell you who dem be. Na people wey get half education de do over-sabi pass. Dem get idea of everything but nothing wey dem know fully. Still, dem no go let person hear word. People wey stop school halfway. People wey go university wry no learn anything.
The time I de teach English language for secondary school, e get one problem wey we de see that time. People go de always de come school co!e talk dem own. Parents o, education supervisors dem o, principal o, politician o, PTA member o, all of dem know how we suppose take teach English wey pikin go pass. Dem no de talk put for Mathematics and Physics o. But once na English, dem know wetin I suppose do to ‘deliver the goods’. Why I talk dis thing so? I go give you two reason.
You don hear people de talk dis thing, say “heaven helps those who help themselves”? Dem go de quote am de talk say na Bible talk am. Na lie. E no dey Bible at all. In fact, na the opposite Bible de teach. If we fit save ourself, why Jesus die?
You don hear people talk say, “the end justifies the means”? Wetin dem mean be say, anyhow anyhow, na wetin happen for end na im matter pass. E fit be true but dat no be the meaning of dis talk. The talk de really de tell us say because we get something in the end no mean say the way we take get am no matter. The talk mean say no be say we get something in the end be the only thing wey matter. The way we take get am sef matter seriously.
You see, if we de ask ourself how people de get the thing wey dem de take pose for us, thief-thief go reduce for dis country. Ok, see me o. I be government worker. But if I do one party and I come put fifty canopy and I kill twenty cow and I still bring tanker of beer. Nobody go ask me say how I take get the money. Na bad country de allow dat kind thing de happen. If person live big pass the work wey e de do, we suppose de ask am say how far.

Na dat same thing de give us trouble for area. People go de steal government money and nobody de ask question. Man wey no get work go park like five jeep. Pikin wey no finish school wey no get work go de drive two Toyota and de build house for im papa. Im papa no go ask am say “how far?” Person wey no get shop anywhere go be landlord for three or four mansions. As nobody de ask question, people de bold more and more. Kidnapper dem de carry human being go do medicine for money. One day, person broke and the next day e be millionaire and all we go talk na “baba o”!

Too many people de benefit from dis kind thing. The same thing de happen for so many things wey de involve bloodshed for dis country. The reward for bloodshed too sweet. Person go thief money, come kill person join. Dem go send police carry am. We go say thank God say one bad person don comot for area. Wait six months, e go return de chop the money e thief. All dat plenty o but the one wey hold my mind now na different one. When I get sense to de read book dat time, I try read “Gone With the Wind”. From the small I read, I come learn say money dey for to build something and money still dey for to destroy dat thing. Money come still dey for to re-build am hehehehe. Na so e be for civil war. People de die for East for 1967, people for other parts of Nigeria de party, de marry, de go school de do normal for North and West. Blood de pour and so many people de benefit. Some de run blockade, some de sell weapons and some de steal useful things. I remember the time Odumegwu Ojukwu de fight to reclaim im papa house for Lagos. Dat house for Hawksworth wey JAMB de use dat time. All people de die, dem run leave dem property, other people occupy dem de collect rent for years! Na only people wey survive the war come back to claim dem property. The others……hehehehee! E don try!

Another one dey.
Some people be oga for South West now. Na OPC dem take climb. That time, na so so fight and kill and maim and loot. Dem fight plenty for Lagos. Some people de take the name of OPC de operate cult. Some de take the name of OPC de kill dem opponent. Some take OPC de do armed robbery. Some use OPC take organize demself for election. Blood de pour and some de smile enter bank. In the end, some people become leader of the people onto say dem fit kill people or dem get people wey de help dem kill people. How dem go stop  when dem de enjoy the reward of dem wickedness.

E never finish o.
Na so e still happen for South East when one governor introduce Bakassi Boys. Dat time, MOSSOB dem still dey but Bakassi na dem superior for wickedness. Dem give dem power to de wipe out crime. Na so dem give dem open back pick-up vans. Dem go siddon for the back with shiny cutlass with red cloth wey dem tie on am. Dem go de waka for town de find thief. Dem go say dem de work on tip off. Dem go catch person and dem go say dem de carry am go dem lab. Wetin be dis lab? Dem go do juju and dem say if the person don kill person before, the cutlass go turn red. Once e happen like that the person don go be dat. Dem go carry am go the front of im papa house. Den dem go stand am there and begin de cut all im hand and leg one by one until dem go cut im head and dem go put tyre come put fire. People wey suspect say somebody kill dem family years before begin report to dem. Dem de carry suspects go lab. Dem kill some, dem free some. Na dem juju be law. Police no get mouth.
See fear for town. For 21st century na im dem de take juju check who be thief! And the state government for Anambra de support them. Anyway, people run away from town o. Political opponents know say dem no safe. See  the way dis Bakassi boys de form, de do party, DW enjoy. Blood de pour. Blood de pour, dem de drink de happy. Blood de pour, some people de smile enter bank and who wan stop dem? Na until dem oga lose election all of dem run away.

E still remain o!
Niger Delta soon start dem own. Dem begin de blow up oil things. Dem de hala de ask say make dem give dem dem right. Na on top dat one dem do Saro-Wiwa. Dem kill am and some people among im people benefit from dat wickedness. Abacha turn some of im people against am. Dem plan am well, dem kill am and some others. Before e tey, many boys rise up and the matter big. Dem kill soldier, soldier kill dem. Obasanjo enter Odi go scatter ground. The same way e scatter ground for Zakibiam. Blood everywhere. Who send anybody. Talk make you lost! People die no be small. Obasanjo say na terrorists dem kill. Jonathan later talk say na women and children dem kill. Oyinbo people sef follow die for Niger Delta. Later, things settle and money full everywhere. Asari Dokubo don get university and Tompolo get contract pass Julius Berger. All the blood wey throway, nobody de talk am. If you call dem terrorist, GOVERNMENT go tell you say shut up. Dem go say dem be activists, agitators, militants. We know wetin dem be…kidnappers and murderers! Dem kill people and now dem de chop the benefit of bloodshed. E good make dem get reward for wetin dem land de produce but blood dey inside am now. Dem give dem amnesty and dem begin de chop money. Others de look na.

E no too tey, Boko Haram come start dem own. Na inside am we dey now. Nobody for sleep again . To waka for Abuja na work now. To go watch match na risk. Dem de kill people in hundred plus at a time. Wetin be dis? Still onto this matter, everybody de point the other person say na im de do am. Buhari say na Federal Government be the biggest Boko Haram. General Azazzi say make we ask PDP. Labaran Maku say na opposition de do am. Olisa Metuh de accuse anybody e like. Muslims say dem hand no dey and Christians de ask dem whether na Bible Boko Haram de quote. Blood de pour and we de hear say some people de chop the money wey we suppose de use fight Boko Haram. Blood de pour, some people de become millionaires. Every time hundred people die, government go say na twenty. Some pressmen and government soldiers for social network go collect money de lie say na only ten people die for place wey e be say na more than one hundred die. I just tire. Dem sef don de find amnesty. Who no like to chop money? Dem shed blood pass Niger Delta, so maybe dem own money go big pass. We no kukuma know who go shed blood next make dem for collect dem own share.
We no know which side matter de go as dem carry small girls go. Army de talk pass political party. Everybody de talk. Jonathan de talk. Mark de talk. Maku de talk. Olukolade de talk. Shettima de talk. Nyako de talk. Ali Modu Sherrif de talk. WAEC de talk. Patience de talk. Protesters de talk. US de talk. Cameroon de talk. Boko Haram de talk.

Blood de pour! Money de fly. We choose who we like to believe, we go enter Facebook de argue. Blood de pour!

Example do joo! Wetin dey inside dis matter be say too many people de enjoy the reward of bloodshed for dis country and nobody de challenge dem not to talk of to do dem anything. Dat’s why dem de bold more and more every day. Na we get our country and na we go tell our country the truth. Too many people de benefit from bloodshed and dat no be better thing at all. The reward for bloodshed sweet for Nigeria. E too sweet and e no go change except we by ourself talk say, “e don do”.

What If Chibok is a Lie?

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I don carry wahala come again abi? E get one thing wey we de do for dis country wey get as e be. Every day, we go de debate for Facebook, for Twitter, for newspaper stand, for chat rooms. We go de vex for each other because we de support people wey no even know say we dey. We de shout de hail politicians wey we know say dem be bad people. Why e de be like dat?
One reason be say we de like some people. And because we like dem, we go de jealous for dem. We no go like make anything bad do dem. We no de like to hear bad news about dem. We go de defend, even when we know say the person we de support don commit. That’s why when we see wetin be true, we go de argue say na lie. Some other time, the reason we de support wetin we know say na lie be say e get as the lie de pay us. I go give example. Na for our eye governors go do election. We see the video with our own eye. Then dem show us say na Governor Rotimi Amaechi win election. The next thing we hear be say na Governor Jonah Jang win! No do no do, Jonathan support dem until dem get two different Governor’

Na for Nigerian level I come hear say dem de win election by counting people wey previously agree to vote for you or people wey suppose vote for you. Ballot paper no increase. No foreign body enter there. Only una only una, and still una scatter ground. Oga wey we expect say e go play role of elder statesman sef! Next thing, oga support one group! This people de shame us no be small!

Chai!   Chai!!   Chai!!! There is a devil o!!!!!!!!!!

Next thing I hear, dem de ask dat kind question wey we de ask when we don know say nothing else to say. E be like when man de remove im shirt come break mug. And the mug sef, na im put am there. E go de ask say, “What is that mug doing there in the first place?” Im wife go talk say, “But you put it there”.  The man go answer, “If I put it there, does it have to remain there?” Hehehehehehe!!

Na dat kind thing na im delay Chibok matter. As we hear say dem don carry plenty pikin go, na so some people begin talk say na lie. As some people de shout say dem don carry pikin, some people de shout with louder voice say, “which girls?” No kind question wey we no hear. The question dem confuse us as we de try find out wetin be true and wetin be lie. Plenty people de ask say,

How dem manage do am?
How dem fit pack girls plenty like dat?
Wey all the boys dey?
Why dem no carry teacher or principal or dem family?
Wey security dey when dem carry the girls?
Wey dem carry dem go?
Wey the ones wey say dem escape?
How dem manage escape from men wey carry gun?
Why dem no comot the girls from Chibok as waec suggest?
Wetin the governor de do since dem carry the girls?
Why governor give money to dem family?
Wey the parents of the girls sef?
Dem no get photo and name? Why una no publish dem?
Which place be Sambisa, Nigeria or South America?
No be some people say dem go make country ungovernable?
No be opposition de do dis thing?
Who tell parents make dem de go Sambisa?

Haaaa! Question plenty and maybe dat na why government confuse. For three weeks nothing happen until all people vex enter street. The rest na history. Before you know anything, na international matter. Everybody carry sign board, #bringbackourgirls! Everywhere! Some people sef don answer with different banner #releaseourgirls. One thing don clear. Some believe and some no believe. But all dat no be the koko of dis discussion. The koko be something different.

What about if Chibok na lie?

What about if Chibok na lie. What about if na person wey we no think na im plan am? What about if no be Boko Haram do am? What about if na Boko Haram do am on behalf of somebody?
If gbaaam! Dem just see say the whole thing na lie, some people go shout, dem go phone dem friend wey dem de argue the matter since. Some go post for Facebook and dem go tag all the people wey no believe all dis time say na lie. For the next one month, nobody go hear word for dem. Dem go talk no be small. I come de think say make I look wetin fit happen if say we wake up tomorrow and Chibok na lie.
PROTESTERS
All the protesters go sing go welcome the children. Dem go say dem no wan know whichever political nonsense wey anybody wan talk. Dem don achieve wetin dem want and dat na say the pikin dem wey lost, don found. Dem fit protest one day more take make sure say government begin de give those pikin the right type of post-trauma whatever. Dem go clap for each other say, like say dem no talk, na so all dis pikin dem go lost. The ones wey de vex say the whole thing na lie go dey there but dem go straight face like say nothing wrong under. All those traditional rulers wey hide before and all those Muslim clerics and CAN people go come out de make long speech. The protesters go swear down for anybody wey ever carry pikin dem take do politics. The protesters go only listen to the speeches because dem dey happy. Dem go return home go chop well well. Maybe the next week na Allison Madueke dem go face. One thing sure. Nothing wey start for Naija wey de end. Days why nollywood de get part 1 to 6 and dem go say, ‘this is just the beginning’.
OPPOSITION
Peope for opposition go take ear gum TV, fix eye for Internet and listen to any news dem see, even if na Chinese. Dem wan sure say one mumu never embarrass dem. Then dem go enter TV take condemn terrorism. Dem go commend government for finally taking the decisive step under immense pressure and doing what they should have done a long time ago. Dem go say, “if the government had responded as opposition had expected and in fact prescribed, this debacle could have ended weeks ago. Hehehehehe who wan carry last?
On the matter say na plan somebody plan just to embarrass government, opposition go condemn such unpatriotic action. Dem go say, “It is foreign to the convictions of the opposition”. If by any mistake, dem don name one opposition somebody say na im do am, opposition go talk say dem no send am. Na im own action im de do no be party work. But for back, dem fit enter negotiation to temper justice with mercy especially as dem sef know some bad thing wey government don do. Dem and government fit negotiate and dem go sell us again. We go dey de shout de abuse our papa and mama for dem. Life goes on. Small time, we go forget as we de always forget.
GOVERNMENT
If dem catch government say na dem do dis kind thing, first thing na to do impact assessment take know how the thing don spread. If e don spread, dem go activate damage control. Dem go call all dem loudmouth dem. Dem go give dem assignment for microphone, for keyboard and touch pad. Dem sef go reach out to opposition say “how we go do dis one o? We get fuck-up but una sef get” den dem go begin negotiation.
Dis man wey EFCC hold, free am.
Dat chairman house wey you wan demolish, leave am. Carry you carnal go another side.
Dat estate for wey you say na fake C of O dem take hold the land, get dem original C of O.
That man wey una sue for libel, yes. Withdraw the suit.
That aspirant wey no get certificate, make dem go find waec give am abeg.
Na so dem go plan am, dem go sell us. We go dey here de shout until the day we go discover and we no go know where to begin. Twelve years after, somebody go write am as best seller. We go buy am, read am and resume argument.
AMERICANS
Na dis American angle de sweet me laugh pass. Sometime, you go de think say dem come because dem wan help us. Na true. Dats why dem come true true. But the funny thing be say, if Americans find out say na government de do us, dem no go talk. If dem find out say na opposition de do us, dem no go talk. Why e go be like dat? Na so dem be. Na dem oga dem de take order from not your oga hehehehehe! Of course we get general for here na. Dem go salute you but na der e end. Some time sef dem fit de feel say dem lieutenant pass our general. I just de play o! All me I think be say dem no go tell us anything. Everything na by negotiation and America no get enemy. Na interest dem get. Dem go give us our girls but we go pay for am with…………………..crude!!

Na so dem go do us. We go waka round finish and we resume for the place wey we begin. I just want make you know say wetin we go gain from this thing be say our mind don strong to stand up against anything evil wey dey we country. Dats all. Wen we give the girls back to dem parents, we go decide wetin we go take our new energy take do.

ME
And by the way, if by mistake na me discover say Chibok na lie. Or na me discover say na true and I know who do am….i go don pass border before I go post am for one group wall. As I press send, I go throway the phone for water and I go run face anywhere belle face….
I no get power for DSS abeg!

Na Who Wan Join Army These Days

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Those of us wey dem born immediately before, during or immediately after civil war, we be special people. E get as we de think. I come de think say maybe na because na corn milk dem take train us. You know wetin be corn milk? Me sef I no know but I remember the taste. That time, even breast milk no too de run. No be who don chop belleful de get breast milk to give pikin?
(Na dat time Britain de send gun and bomb give Nigeria and at the same time de send relief materials give Biafra. E don tey wey dem oyinbo don de mess up our life)
Wait I wan do something. I wan give warning. The material you are reading is fictional. All the people mentioned in it bear no resemblance to anyone dead or alive. Do not take it seriously.
Last week, I hear for TV when one oga for soja de announce say dem de recruit young able-bodied Nigerian males to join army. Dem call dem volunteers. Dem say dem go give dem intensive training so dat dem go join the fight against Boko Haram. O boy, my body weak!
(All the time I know Nigerian army, na enjoyment dey der. Salary no de delay and government de fear dem. Any army man we retire from even major and e no be millionaire, dat mean say dem de follow am from village. Even after dem comot army, na dem get all the sweet contract. Any fuck-up happen, na dem de head probe panel. Na dem get Ports Authority for instance and na dem complimentary card de sell pass. Wait first. You know say applicants de buy complimentary card take attach to application letter? Mtshceew!)
I come de ask myself say which kind announcement be dis? Dem de tell me say make I come join army so dat I go face Borno, Adamawa and Yobe and dem de expect say I go come? All kind yeye thing just de fly enter inside my mind. I de ask TV say, wey all the people wey dey army de chop since? Dem no fit fight again abi dem don finish? How e come be say na part-time soldier na im good to fight Boko Haram? In the end, I conclude say na only two group of people fit join army for dis time. One, people wey like army and wey like to fight die. Two, people wey don frustrate wey be say any way forward na way. So, what about people wey dey patriotic? Where you from come sef?

(Patriotism na bad word walahi. Na one of those word wey belong to poor people. So you no know say some words belong to poor people? Make I tell you some others:
Patriotism (noun) word wey dem de tell poor man if e complain say rich man own don too much.
Prison 1: (noun) imaginary place used to scare rich man make e no over-thief publicly
Prison. 2: (noun) place where we keep poor troublesome people to prevent them from troubling big men
Corruption 1: (noun) when opposition thief anything from goat to money
Stealing: Anything at all, irrespective of quantity fraudulently acquired by government and officials (NB dis is not same as corruption)
Law: set of rules wey dem make to protect rich people and fire poor people
Lawyer: people wey no de thief but if you thief enough, dem gat your back for a share
NTA, AIT: (abbrev) mythical table tools used by spin doctors for hypnotism directed at the gullible masses (NB not to be confused with Nigerian television stations)

The time wey civil war start, e be like say e de sweet. Every time wahala dey, you go de hear people de talk say, “make we fight war abeg”. One time, na woman wey carry pikin for hand de talk am for inside taxi. I bin wan tell am wetin fit happen to am and her pikin if war catch dem. But as I no wan make anybody swear for me, na so I quiet. People wey know wetin war be, dem no de bend mouth anyhow de talk about war. Dem know say na terrible thing de happen for war. For instance, as Biafra-Nigeria war come de go….. de go…..de go, e reach one time, soja dem begin run away. Soja no come de  join by demself. So  dem begin de catch dem de carry go army. Dem de call am conscription. Na by-force army be dat. So all the boys for village come de run enter bush go hide. If dem catch small ones, dem go say make dem de carry ‘ogbunigwe’ de follow soja dem. Big ones, na straight to army. If you get luck you fit get army shirt or trouser. Dem go train you with stick wey get shape like rifle for one week and the first time you go touch gun na for battle front. Boys die!!!!
(People de think say war na like dem de see for film. Days why if you look MOSSOB, na small boys full der. If you look Asari and Uwazurike, you go wan ask dem something. If war start, im sister go live among poor people for Bayelsa abi dem mama go follow run enter creek de dive inside water to avoid bullet? Frederick Faseun or Gani Adams go carry gun abi Yinka Odunmakin go go training for jungle to become Major? When dem scatter area, na dem go first run. From APC, PDP, LP, UPN…na dem go first clear!

My papa tell me how dem take catch am wey e nearly take go soja. As the war de bad de go, e come post im family go east and im come de return to come join dem for village. For east dat time, na all kind language dey.
E manage de hear wetin the officer de talk sef because before the war, people from Delta say dem no be Igbo people. From Abudu, from Agbor, Obior, Umunede, Asaba, Okpanam, Ibuzo, Ogwashi-Uku, Iselle-Uku, Ubulu-Uku to Kwale dem full there. All of dem first talk say dem no be Igbo but when Nigerian soja come, dem no de hear English before. All na Igbo! All man face River Niger.

Anyway, as my papa de go na so  dem catch am on top im bicycle.. Dem come line dem up de interview dem before dem recruit dem. When e reach palee turn, the man ask am whether e go school. Palee answer say yes and im just de graduate from University of Ibadan. Na so the man look am come ask am say wey im family. Palee say e wan go join dem. The man come sorry for am say make dem leave am make e de go. Palee carry im bicycle fly come village hehehehehee!
As dem come de talk say make boys come again now, na dat thing come dey my mind. Na now we go know who really like Nigeria. You go join?
We don de understand now for the first time say soja na human being. E get mama and e get family. Forget say dem de beat us like shege for street. Now wey we get chance to join, some parents go be like, “join wetin?” The boy go be like, “But dad, I always wanted to join and you said I could”. The papa go be like, “Trust me boy, the times are different. This is not the right time.” The boy go still de insist like dis generation de do. “But dad, I don’t see…” Papa eye go red. “That’s the point! You see nothing. I said you could join. Now I say you can’t! And that’s it”. The boy look im mama. Mama own no be grammar. Na straight talk. “See, your father is afraid of losing you. If your papa no fit cope, how I go be? You can join if dem go recruit you and your mama. Instead wey I go cry the rest of my life make I kukuma die. Make other people cry for us”.

Na true picture of wetin dis recruitment offer de cause for family be dis and you sef know say na true!

Before before, na heavy selection before dem take you. You go find complementary card reach Senate. You go reduce your age. You go swear fake affidavit say you be from Bayelsa when your name na Ebele. You go shake hands, many many hand before dem go take you. Why be dat? Because army sweet. All of a sudden, dem de take announcement de call us. Hmmmmm! Something don happen!
One soja boy talk say the part wey de sweet pass na the peace-keeping for other countries. Dollar de follow dem come back. On top peace keeping, many of dem don born pikin wey go bear Nigerian name de play football for national team of Sudan, Liberia, Sierra Leone. But dis one na bad one. Na for our own country we wan fight dis fight and na naira we go collect. And as things be sef, the naira no de come out sef. And na N2,500 dem go still wan collect from you even on top of your patriotism. Anyway make I no talk too much.
Na now we go known who really like Nigeria. You go join army to fight Boko Haram abi you no go join?

As for me, I don pass the age wey dem advertise!

Abeg Na Who Thief Vice President Namadi Sambo Cow?

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The time wey we dey primary school, e get wetin we go hear wey go pass our sense. When we hear that kin thing, na song we de sing take show say we don see wonder. We de sing say,
“Come and see …..America wonder
Come and see……. America wonder”.
When we don sing dat one, then we don prepare our mind to hear something be dat.
Na for all dis small small blog I first de see headline say some people go thief Namadi Sambo cow. I first no wan read am because all dis small blogs dem fit to talk anything at all just to get attention. In fact, matter for dis country don reach stage wey some people de write dem own news item by demself according to wetin dem for like make e happen. Den dem go post am go one mad website and from there dem go de place link all over Facebook and twitter. Like say I don ready to face dem now, I for don ready to name some of those Facebook group wey de do dis nonsense. But as today na Sunday, and the sermon for church still de purge out the evil forces inside my belle, make I take am easy. Wetin I been de tell you sef o…? Ahaaaa! Oga Namadi Sambo cow.
When I see that thing say V. P Namadi Sambo lose N200m. I first think say whether e take the money bet say Arsenal go lose F. A Cup. I bin don de think say God don catch am when I open the site, I come see say na the man cow dem come pack.
Choi! People bad o!
But I still no wan believe, so I begin find am from any strong news source. Gbaaam! I see am for sunnewsonline. Dem talk say na “2,000 imported special specie cows”. Dem still talk for there say no be Namadi Sambo be the first to hear wheeen! Dem say the Emir of Zazzau, Alhaji Shehu Idris sef don hear am. Dem say some bad arse people go the man farm for Sabo Road area for Zaria go pack 250 cow just like dat. Dem still talk say the Tor of Tiv, Dr. Afred Akawe Torkula for Benue sef don see dat kind wahala too when some people come loot the man livestock. Dem also talk say na special people de thief all dis cow and no be Boko Haram because dem don de thief cow before Boko Haram show. I still look for another source. Na so I see am again for Daily Trust, see am for Leadership Newspapers. As I come see am again for Osun Defender, at once, na im I shout say
Choi!
I no talk ‘Chai’ o! ……………………………… There is a difference.
First of all, I come sorry for Namadi Sambo. Me and my friends sorry for am well well. We come de talk say, haa! The man quiet well well. E no de pass im boundary. We talk say the man de sabi control im wife sef. We talk say na good Muslim man wey make sense. We even like the small small laugh wey e de laugh for photo. We even talk say we de always see Jonathan wear Hausa man cloth take de find vote but we never see Sambo wear Jonathan parachute…sorry South-South…wetin dem de call dat cloth sef?
We finish first bottle, and we call barman.
We still de talk. We talk say but na waa o. Some people get silent money. We come talk say money dey for cow business o. No wonder Fulani herdsmen de form rubbish when anybody near dem cow. Den one on my friend come begin scratch head. We know say when e begin de scratch head, e wan talk something bad.
We finish second bottle, and we call barman.
Boys don de warm. Piss don de wan de catch me when this my friend talk one bad talk. Piss disappear! The boy talk say,
“So Namadi Sambo na one of those Fulani herdsmen den?”
Everywhere quiet. One man wey dey next table carry im drink for one hand, take the other hand drag im babe go far table.
We know say our friend don craze but we no know the type.
“Which kind yeye talk be dat. Vice President de  follow cow?” I asked.
“If e get reach 2000 cow, wetin dem de chop for north abi the man de import grass? Na 2000 imported cow dem thief. How many local cow go dey ground? Somebody must to de help am carry the cow waka round. And you think say e no go support herdsmen if matter come?”
We talk go front talk go back. Some time, three of us go de talk the same time and the fourth person just de chew bottle cover. We
We dismiss third bottle. We call barman.
By the time we open fourth bottle na den trouble start. One of us wey never talk all dis time, wey just de chew bottle cover, just clear im throat. Naturally, all man keep quiet. We know say one of two things wan happen. The man fit talk sense or the beer for im belle fit talk thrash.
“How many motor go load 2,000 cow sef?”
Nobody answer. We still de think am when e ask another one.
“How many people go load am put inside motor and how long e go take dem to load am?”
We de look  our new wizard. So dis man de think all dis time!
“When dem drive go, nobody call Sambo?”
“If dem fit thief Vice President cow go, dem fit thief all human being for one complete village.”
By now, those of us wey our eye still clear, we don de know where the guy de carry dis talk go.
“If dem fit carry 2,000 cow waka, how dem no go carry 270 girls? And some people de ask question say how can Chibok be possible. Una go still drink abi make we come de go before dem abduct us here. Nobody go kukuma find us.”
When dem order fifth bottle for everybody, we no even wan touch the bottle. We de think.
As some people no de like to think, make I think for dem.
How dem take carry two thousand cows wey belong to Namadi Sambo. If dem fit carry 2000 malu, how dem no go fit carry 250 girls? Malu no de fear. Dem no know gun. Dem carry dem one by one put inside that motor abi dem use Ctrl+V, cut and paste? Dem come drive go. Nobody call Sambo? I think say as VP, dem suppose put helicopter for am at once, make secret service track the bad boys catch all of dem. Everything stand still until those people waka, nobody see dem. Soldiers for the place say dem job na to keep the peace not to de pursue cow thief. Dem no investigate take trace the cow as dem no be common specie. Dem just keep quiet de try to sweep the whole thing under the carpet because e go cause political wahala. No be the same way Chibok happen be dat? Cow lost wey pass N200m and o boy de form like say e no feel am. Anyway, money still dey. But Chibok na human beings. If you sweep dem under carpet, the carpet no fit flat lai lai.
As we de ready to stagger home, we know say we no follow anybody argue whether Chibok happen or na scam. All we know that evening be say, if dem fit thief cow, dem go fit thief human being.
“Barman! Bring my bill sharply, otherwise na next time you go collect your money”.

Between Tinubu and Jonathan

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My country don divide. We don divide many different way. One way we take divide na Christian and Muslim. Another one na Hausa, Igbo and Yoruba along with plenty plenty others dem. Another divide na rich and poor. The divide wey wicked pass now na Jonathan versus Tinubu. But no be so we de talk am. We de call am FG vs Opposition. The day you talk something take praise Jonathan, you be FG person. The day you tell dem say you no feel all the develop wey dem say dem develop country, dat day you be opposition.
Na so dem de divide us. But I like dis men wey de run things sha. Dem be two heavy men and dem no resemble each other for anything. Number one na “Is-a-jigi-Bola” and number two be our able and humble grass-to-grace president, Goodluck Jonathan. I like dis men but I no fit vote for dem lai-lai. Make I first tell you why I like dem and den I go tell you why I no go vote for dem.
I like the story of Jonathan as e de rise de rise. As nobody expect say the man get anything but e rise sotey e reach president. Different people contribute one time or the other. I de like as e de talk say e no get shoe. Dat thing de give hope to other pikin dem wey no get anything, say one day one day, dem go be big person. Whether na by style or by mistake, Jona de carry go. When e don wear im parachute, carry that black hat put for head, na you know the rest. People wey de help am don sew different type of cloth give am but e be like say na Yoruba dress de make am fine pass. And na Yoruba states e no fit win hehehehe…na so life be. Minus every every, me I like Jona. No bring Patience matter here. No be Patience I de write about.
As for Jigi-Bola, how person no go like am? E no go win beauty contest but if na talk contest, e don win finish. If not  for Tinubu and people like am, na one-party state we for don get for dis country. On top of say opposition dey, PDP still de do anyhow. Wetin dem for de take person eye see if dem no get opposition nko? Anyway, Tinubu help snatch South-West from PDP and dat thing de balance area now. But dat thing de vex some people like mad. If dem say make we call the name of people wey no like Tinubu, dem planty and most of them na Yoruba people.  No matter how dem abuse am reach, the bobo no send. E no kukuma big or strong but the word wey e de talk strong pass iron. If e don wear im glass, bend im eye like person wey never sleep for one year, with that cap on top im head, some people go de shake.
I like Bola Ahmed Tinubu. I like Goodluck Ebele Azikiwe (how man wey no be Igbo take get two Igbo name tire me). But if na vote matter, I no de vote for dem two.
Tinubu don try for im  people and e don try for imself. Wetin again man go de want. Na the kind thing wey do Abiola be dat. Wetin person want wey Abiola no get two or three? Still, e wan enter politico. See as dat politico chop the man come nearly scatter family. Tinubu try no be small. Carry two term for governor of a whole Lagos. Carry senator even from before that time. Im wife try well well, come win election enter Senate. No be yam and beans o! Im daughter come de run things for market level. On top dat one, e get politico pikin all everywhere. If the man talk say e no work again, hunger no go catch am for ten years. Dem find find find wetin dem go take show am pepper. Dem say e get house for all everywhere for UK. Dem say na drug baron. Dem say im certificate no forged. Finally, dem say e get foreign bank account the time e be governor. Dem drag o boy reach Abuja come put am for dock. When dem tire, na the same way dem take return Adedibu to Ibadan, na so dem return Tinubu to Lagos. Na heavy man be dat man but I no fit vote am. E don try. Make e comot small make some of us try small. Oga na kingmaker now. Make e no just bother de go do pass like that.
On the other hand, Jona na superman. Correct person but e too slow when we need attention. Every time na so people go surround am de give am all kind advice. Even from outside, we de know say some of dis advice no good. But everybody get im own master. E de be like say dem de work with Jona but dem Oga na another person. Jona go de see people de fuck up, de make wrong move and e go keep quiet. We no de know whether na wisdom abi na confusion. Wetin make me no wan vote for am? One reason be say im government get many wrong people. Two be say im people too lie. We no de know who to believe sef. For Abacha time, na DMI (Directorate of Military Intelligence) we de fear. Now, e be like say na DSS we go de fear. Jona don do local government, do deputy governor, do governor, do vice president and now president. For me, e don do for one person.
Between dis two men, country de hot. Two of dem get where dem go run go if dem mess up country. Even if we kill ourself for campaign or election, dem go live dem life like normal. If na matter of vote, I no go vote the two as president or vice president. Na so I see am. You make you decide how you wan paddle your own canoe.

If God punish us for corruption, who go free?

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Sometime, something de happen to me wey I no know whether e de do other people. I go read something or hear something but I no go laugh. Later later, I go remember the thing and only me go de laugh. If people dey there, e go be like say man don craze. The one I de remember so na the women wey come Jonathan conference wey talk say make dem de castrate people wey do rape. I been de read for one place say man fit rape im wife. Say if the man wan do and im wife say she no do, if the man by-force am, e don enter am be dat. We go cut the man thing for that kind case too? I still de hear some people talk say women sef de rape men. If dat na true, wetin make we do the woman wey rape man? Heheheheh.
Another thing wey dem talk for Jonathan conference wey de sweet me under be say make dem execute anybody wey steal government money. Which mean to say, make we catch anybody wey steal government money and make we tie am with rope join tree, den make we shoot am die. Halleluyah! We don finally see how to reduce our population as 160 million too much sef. But the first question I ask myself be dis one. If we shoot all the people wey chop government money wey come that conference, how many people go reach home from that conference?
Different different time, some people don suggest all kind thing. Some people say make we take Sango and Sopanna de swear instead of Bible and Quran. Dem say God too gentle but if na devil, na sharp sharp e go come collect the spirit of bad people. That’s why I come say make we pray one prayer before we call devil. Some people don talk say dem no corrupt. Some time, when dem de talk about corruption, people go de point other people to show say na other people corrupt. PDP say na APC and APC say na PDP. Ministry say na worker and worker say na minister and minister say na police and police say na armed robber and armed robber say na governor and governor say na Federal Government and Federal Government say na opposition and opposition say na government propaganda people and government loudmouth dem say na bad education and teacher, teachers say na lecturer and lecturer say na student and student say na parents and parents say na economy and economy say anybody wey call im name de craze.
Na so we de scatter-point hand and nobody commit and everybody de blame other people and area de spoil. That’s why I wan pray. If you fit say amen to all the prayer point, den no be you de spoil country.
Where make I start? Ok, make I start among religious leaders
GOD GO PUNISH PUNISH DIS PEOPLE
Anybody wey de deceive people say God tell am wetin God no talk
Anybody wey open church or mosque just to chop people money
Anybody wey de tell people prophecy wey dem manufacture by demself
Anybody wey de go church go catch woman
Any girl wey de take dressing set trap for people for church
Anybody wey de give fake testimony make e for attract something
Anybody wey de take God people do business
All religious leader wey get girlfriend or boyfriend for corner
All religious leaders wey say dem no de drink but dem go hide finish carton
Any religious leader wey de deceive worshippers
Make we enter school
GOD GO PUNISH
All the people wey de use fake result
All the people wey de do fake result for people
All the people wey de help children cheat for exam
All proprietors wey de use dem school as clearing house for malpractive
All teacher wey de pass people wey suppose fail
All teacher wey de sleep with babes for mark
All teacher wey de steal student money with fake handout
Any teacher wey sell and or expose examination question for cash or kind
Anybody wey give people admission wey no pass entrance exam
Any VC etc wey get girlfriend among student and help am get fine grade
Any officer wey appoint wrong person to position for personal reason
Anybody wey favour im family and friend over people wey better pass dem
Oya make we enter ministry
THUNDER FIIRE ALL DIS PEOPLE
Anybody wey take money wey no be im salary and allowance
Anybody wey hide another person file take punish the person
Anybody wey collect any kobo in the process to award CONTRACT
Any official wey ask or receive money, house, motor to facilitate contract
Any ministry person wey lie to im wife carry babe go somewhere
Anybody wey collect money to help do any illegal business
Anybody wey help minister pr perm sec thief money or cover up fraud
Anybody wey build house or buy motor from illegal money collection
Anybody wey talk say ‘no money’ but e get secret account
Anybody wey get asset wey I no declare
Any minister wey spend kobo pass im legitimate money
Anybody wey cover up any thief-thief for ministry
Make we reach forces
LIGHTENING GO ROAST
Any forceman wey beat civilian for street
Any forceman wey kill innocent citizen
Any custom wey de drive motor dem seize for border
Any forceman wey convert anybody property to im own by force
Any forceman wey get detention facility for im private house
Any forceman wey de live on money wey e thif while in power
Any police wey torture person for cell
Any army, police, prison, immigration, custom, NSCDC wey get fake credential
We go enter business?
FIRE BURN
Anybody wey talk fake statistics de lie give us
Anybody wey divert money or aid from people wey suppose get am
Anybody wey de thief people money for bank with different style
Anybody wey de thief people tax and pension, savings
Anybody wey de import, distribute or sell wetin dem know say na fake
Any doctor wey de take people life do business
Any doctor wey de trwat wetin e no understand just for money
Any doctor wey do CS for woman wey no get problem
Any transporter wey de use motor wey e know say e no good
Any businessman wey just de front for government officials
Every 419 and dem family
Politicians think say we forget
MAKE GOD DRY DEM LIKE BONGAFISH
Anybody wey kill or injure anybody
Anybody wey thief government money
Anybody wey reduce quality of contract to get money
Anybody wey collect job slots to sell to people
Anybody wey vote twice
Anybody wey carry ballot box
Anybody wey pay thugs to work for am
Anybody wey change election result
Anybody wey be godfather to take thief money or control elected officer
Anybody wey divert public fund
Anybody wey register twice or more for election
Anybody wey open false Facebook to take talk politics
Anybody wey know truth but e de talk lie
Anybody wey build house or buy motor with public fund
Anybody wey de mislead people wey dey power
O boy, plenty still remain o!
WATER GO CARRY DIS PEOPLE
Anybody wey take another person land
Anybody wey do ritual
Anybody wey chop winch or join bad society
Any radio or TV station wey de talk lie
Anybody wey wan cheat for 2015 election
Anybody wey de oppress another person
I know say you talk amen for some and you no talk for some. And dem say we no get problem of corruption. Oya go back to the beginning. If you know say you no corrupt, talk amen for all dis prayer dem. Dis corruption matter don enter our blood. Some big some small but almost everybody de do im own. Na so make we leave am?