…this tinubu must go jail…gbaaam!

I don vex. Make nobody hold me o. this Tinubu must go prison and this week! Wetin sef? How only one man go do all the thing wey AIT talk say e do and nobody fit to stop am for street say, “Hey come here Ol Boy, dis thing dem talk say you do, na true?” As if all dat one no do, the guy de use one kin otumokpo de take de suppress us. Wey be say, fourteen million people for Lagos, nobody fit get up ask am any question. This bobo de try o!
Now wey be say AIT don get anointing to deliver us from shackle, dem don do documentary. Dem don tell us how the man na BAAAAAD MON, wetin dem wan make we do now? Because one thing wey me I sure be say dem no spend all dat money to tell me say Bola Tinubu na bad man make I for just know, then enter room go sleep. E get wetin dem de hope to get wey make dem do dat documentary. Or to talk am another way, e get wetin the person wey pay for dat documentary de expect say we go do after we don watch am.. I de hear sef say dem don de ready to do Rotimi Amaechi documentary too. Before dat new soup done, wetin we go take dis soup wey dey table do? I de come, make I enter history.
Time wey never tey for back, dem do documentary and at one na against Buhari. That thing reign erh! E be like when grass de catch fire for harmattan. People de take dem small money enter internet go watch am as dem money fit carry. Others no sleep for night sake of say dem de wait whether AIT go still do the repeat broadcast. After plenty people don finally watch am na so we de wait say wetin next? Sharp sharp, AIT organize poll for dem website make dem take judge as the people de react on top wetin dem just tell dem. The poll begin, de go, de go, de gooooooo, until something come tell dem say yawa de gas yawally. Buhari just de flash Jonathan de go, and as night de continue, the gap de be like gap between Sambisa Forest and Olumo Rock. We sleep dat night with mind say for morning we go see whether the gap don enter Cape Coast. As we enter website for morning, wetin we see? Hehehehehehe you kukuma know na.
Wetin happen overnight? Dem say website don crash. Den dem say na APC over-voting na im crash am. Say some APC people hide for near river and from there dem de vote de vote until dem take vote wound the website. The point here be say, since dem do the Buhari documentary, wetin come do Buhari? I think say the answer to that question be say more people come de like the man. If no be say somebody de smoke mosquito coil, how you go do the same fuck-up two time or even three time and you de wait different result?
Anyway, dem don do documentary and dem de prepare to do more. E fit be say dem de achieve dem goal or e fit be say the money wey dey dem hand too much. But now wey dem don do the do, wetin dem want make we do because of dem do.
Dem want make we gather as we de gather for the places wey we de gather. And from there, make we carry placard enter street, and make we condemn Tinubu and accept Jona. You know the places we de gather at all? Hehehehe I go tell you.
NEWSPAPER STAND: Most of us wey de gather there no get work. Na to come there come hear the latest and then to shift the discussion to Chelsea, Barca, Man U and Arsenal in the end. Each newspaper stand get some people wey be leaders of thought. Some na businessmen wey no de do early morning business. Some na retired people wey government de owe salary. Some na politician wey dem don sideline wey de vex. When you raise matter say dis Tinubu na thief, one of dem fit look up from newspaper ask you say, “Dem wey de complain be wetin?” In the end we go enter Barca and Chelsea until we waka. We de take dat one reduce the pain wey dey we belle. Na abuse we de abuse government most of the time.
BUS STOP/QUEUE: This place na one of our many suffer point. When we no see bus enter or when dem don make us queue die to save or collect money from bank, to pay for NEPA, to register for one idiot thing or the other, to collect PVC. Na there we de smile, de fight de settle de discuss. For dis kind point, any discussion fit end any time you see bus or your turn reach for queue. Many times, na frustration no de let us think straight. You fit raise Tinubu matter for queue of thirty people make nobody answer you.
VIEWING CENTRE: for here, once game start, every political nonsense suspend, except when referee don cheat us and we all shout PeeDeePee! All the talk resume for half time or the time between end of one game and start of another. Many intelligent people no de talk for here. Big boys and girls no de come here at all. Na over-sabi, over-kako people na dem plenty pass for here. If your voice loud or you sabi demo, na you go win every argument. One person go colonize talk and e go de lie de swear say na true. For here, the TV must not tune to AIT by mistake sef.
JOINT/BAR/AREA na here be the real place and plenty people de discuss here. Sometimes the music fit loud sotey una go de shout to hear each other. But we go still de talk. The wahala be say, the more we drink, the more we de miss the point. Discussion wey start as wetin dem talk about Tinubu fit end with which woman for town de cook the best bokoto or catfish. When we finish our drink, we go enter road and we don forget wetin we talk. Many of us, na dis same bar make us no register for election. Na dis bar wey no let some of us go collect out PVC till now.
I no think say any of us go enter street on we own because of Tinubu. But if the campaign fund show, we fit o, but dat is a professional level. We do am, collect money and enter bar again.
The other thing wey dem fit de expect us to do be say make we no vote for Tinubu. But Tinubu no de contest na. So dat mean to say, make we no vote for Ambode, Amosun, Ajumobi, Buhari…the list long.
Why because Tinubu de control dem and the man go just take over. E make sense to stop Tinubu if the man de hide for back de control empire. In fact, the man must go jail. But na we de jail people? Na who wan jail am? I don think am say how we fit use the yam and goat formula take catch Tinubu. But I fear o. From wetin AIT talk, if we use dat style against Tinubu, the yam fit chop the goat. Gbaaaaam! The goat go vanish!
E don near eight years since dis man comot for office. The time e dey office, na immunity we de blame. For nearly eight years now, na wetin we de blame? One small time, dem say e get foreign account the time e be governor. Na so dem carry am go Abuja. Dem do drama and dem put am for inside accused box. E de look dem. The way e pose for inside that box sef no be like accused. E pose like don! Ahhh Tinubu na bad man! Dem talk go up. Dem talk come down. Dem say dem see say all the time e be governor, e no once use the account. Dem free the man. I no know who pay transport wey the man take come back Lagos.
Since den, nothing. EFCC dey. Dem no talk. ICPC and Police dey. Dem no talk. Army dey, DSS dey and NSCDC sef dey. Dem no talk. NDLEA dey, NAFDAC sef dey and in addition to all dat, FG sef dey. Dem no fit do nothing? No one fit catch am? All dis thief wey Tinubu thief, every every wey de catch thief just leave am make e de waka free. Na AIT dem send make dem find am guilty without trial. Na me dem want make I punish am with my vote. Anyway, most people don make up dem mind who dem go vote. If another documentary dem come, make e hurry.
Meantime, make somebody help us tell people wey de collect salary to catch thief say make dem do dem work. No be we suppose punish Tinubu.


Kirikiri for who?

(Ahmad is startled by the sound of his son flinging away his schoolbag as he ran in from school, his mother trying to console the crying boy)
Junior: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy is it true?
Ahmad: Is what true?
Junior: Is it true that you are going to jail?
Ahmad: Whaaat? Going to jail for doing what? (looking at his wife) Where did he get this nonsense?
Wife: (spreading her hands dramatically) I don’t know but I think it was at school.
Junior: (sobbing) Daddy, but is it true?
Ahmad: Of course not. Where did you hear that?
Junior: My classmates were mocking me. They said if Buhari becomes president, you and Uncle Obadimu would be sent to prison. They say you are bad people.
(There is shocked silence as husband and wife stare at each other)
Ahmad: Which kind of school is this that children discuss politics? (turning to Junior) Come here little man. Go get your lunch. There is no such thing as jail for Big Daddy. Some people are jealous of us that is all. Go get some food and rest. We will go out together.
(Wiping his eyes with the back of his hands, the boy exits)
Wife: I always told you to stop discussing politics in front of this boy but you won’t listen.
Ahmad: Is that why anyone should take this thing to children in primary school?
Wife: Haven’t your people taken this to church? Why does it surprise you that children also know?
Ahmad: This is preposterous!
Wife: But come to think of it, is this prison thing a possibility?
Ahmad: (eyes flashing in anger) Even you?
Wife: (raising both hands in surrender)
Ahmad: (Picking his phone, dialing and waiting a while to connect) Oba, we need to talk o. Carry Eze follow body, make we meet for area sharply. Wahala dey o.
(About 45 minutes later, Ahmad, Obadimu and Eze are sitting in a bar)
Barman: Oga, wetin make I bring for una?
Obadimu: We no run. Make we talk wetin carry us come, we go drink after. (Barman moves away)
Ezeike: Bros wetin de pursue frog for day time abeg.
Ahmad: My pikin come back from school today de cry. E de ask me say whether na true say I de go prison. Imagine that? (Ezeike and Obadimu look at each other). Una no talk?
Obadimu: Which kind school you put your pikin? Which kind yeye thing be dis?
Ezeike: Bia, this matter don de pass play o. Even pikin don de follow de talk am now.
Ahmad: Follow de talk wetin?
Obadimu: Prison na. Say Buhari go carry we go prison if we win.
Ezeike: Wetin we do wey dem go carry us reach prison?
Obadimu: Wetin we no do? This one be like business as usual for your eye? You no read wetin Baba de talk for Nigeria and London?
Ezeike: Nobody de believe am sef.
Ahmad: Who lie give you? Yoruba people too do follow-follow.
Obadimu: I hear. No be Hausa follow-follow de cause dis problem so? No matter wetin you prove to dem, na Sai Baba go be the last answer. Una people tire person sef.
Ezeike: Nobody go vote for murderer, person wey no enter kindergarten.
Obadimu: You still dey on that level. The man don jump am pass. Even if person lie for you, you suppose de lie give yourself?
Ezeike: For my side, na full support. Which Igbo man with correct blood for im vein go vote that Gambari old expired man?
Ahmad: Eze your people no matter for dis matter. Even if all of una vote for Oga, the thing wey de blow whistle go still de blow whistle.
Ezeike: Then make una people vote like my people make whistle end.
Ahmad: Eze your people no understand politics and dem no care. Dis matter pass buying and selling.
Ezeike: Which election no be buying and selling? Everything na buy and sell. Buy vote, buy crowd, buy journalist, buy media house, buy protesters. Na una people wey no get market strategy.
Ahmad: People abeg, wetin be dis? My wife ask me say whether dis prison talk na true. Na true?
Obadimu: Na true o. I no go lie you. You don see paper today?
Ezeike: The place wey Baba de talk say na fear de catch Oga make Buhari no send am go jail. Which kind yeye talk be dat?
Obadimu: No be dat news I de talk. I read say dem wan arrange meeting for Buhari and Oga, sake of say make dem settle wetin go happen if Buhari go win by mistake.
Ezeike: Whaaaat?
Ahmad: I read am too. Make e no come be say dis big boys wan cut deal and dem go leave us make Buhari take us do example? See the way Olisa Metuh de talk like Pentecostal pastor. Dat man don see wetin we never see. Na peace e de preach now o.
Ezeike: Whaaat? Dem no fit try dat kind thing.
Obadimu: Na you go stop dem?
Ahmad: No be say we suppode de plan how to protect ourself so? We sef we no suppose follow dead body enter inside grave na.
Obadimu: (thoughtfully) We don tey together o. We no go de hide mouth talk. Wetin make we do wey go keep us safe if we by mistake lose dis election?
Ezeike: That is simple buying and selling, we go need to join dem. Pure and simple.
Ahmad: So we cut a deal for ourself.
Ezeike: I no know wetin you wan cut but I know say make we think am wella. Den make we meet tomorrow or the day after make we know wetin pay us pass.
Ahmad:Na me go come de shout Sai Buhari up and down? E no easy o.
Ezeike: If you go jail, another person go de marry your wife. Your pikin go de call another person “Daddy” It is simple buying and selling.
Barman: Oga, make I bring drinks now?
Ezeike: Barman come. Which drink dem de serve people for Kirikiri?
Barman: Which place …ha Kirikiri no be prison? Dem no de serve drink der o. Na suffer dem de serve. Una wan go there?
Ezeike: (rising) God punish your mama.