What If Chibok is a Lie?

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I don carry wahala come again abi? E get one thing wey we de do for dis country wey get as e be. Every day, we go de debate for Facebook, for Twitter, for newspaper stand, for chat rooms. We go de vex for each other because we de support people wey no even know say we dey. We de shout de hail politicians wey we know say dem be bad people. Why e de be like dat?
One reason be say we de like some people. And because we like dem, we go de jealous for dem. We no go like make anything bad do dem. We no de like to hear bad news about dem. We go de defend, even when we know say the person we de support don commit. That’s why when we see wetin be true, we go de argue say na lie. Some other time, the reason we de support wetin we know say na lie be say e get as the lie de pay us. I go give example. Na for our eye governors go do election. We see the video with our own eye. Then dem show us say na Governor Rotimi Amaechi win election. The next thing we hear be say na Governor Jonah Jang win! No do no do, Jonathan support dem until dem get two different Governor’

Na for Nigerian level I come hear say dem de win election by counting people wey previously agree to vote for you or people wey suppose vote for you. Ballot paper no increase. No foreign body enter there. Only una only una, and still una scatter ground. Oga wey we expect say e go play role of elder statesman sef! Next thing, oga support one group! This people de shame us no be small!

Chai!   Chai!!   Chai!!! There is a devil o!!!!!!!!!!

Next thing I hear, dem de ask dat kind question wey we de ask when we don know say nothing else to say. E be like when man de remove im shirt come break mug. And the mug sef, na im put am there. E go de ask say, “What is that mug doing there in the first place?” Im wife go talk say, “But you put it there”.  The man go answer, “If I put it there, does it have to remain there?” Hehehehehehe!!

Na dat kind thing na im delay Chibok matter. As we hear say dem don carry plenty pikin go, na so some people begin talk say na lie. As some people de shout say dem don carry pikin, some people de shout with louder voice say, “which girls?” No kind question wey we no hear. The question dem confuse us as we de try find out wetin be true and wetin be lie. Plenty people de ask say,

How dem manage do am?
How dem fit pack girls plenty like dat?
Wey all the boys dey?
Why dem no carry teacher or principal or dem family?
Wey security dey when dem carry the girls?
Wey dem carry dem go?
Wey the ones wey say dem escape?
How dem manage escape from men wey carry gun?
Why dem no comot the girls from Chibok as waec suggest?
Wetin the governor de do since dem carry the girls?
Why governor give money to dem family?
Wey the parents of the girls sef?
Dem no get photo and name? Why una no publish dem?
Which place be Sambisa, Nigeria or South America?
No be some people say dem go make country ungovernable?
No be opposition de do dis thing?
Who tell parents make dem de go Sambisa?

Haaaa! Question plenty and maybe dat na why government confuse. For three weeks nothing happen until all people vex enter street. The rest na history. Before you know anything, na international matter. Everybody carry sign board, #bringbackourgirls! Everywhere! Some people sef don answer with different banner #releaseourgirls. One thing don clear. Some believe and some no believe. But all dat no be the koko of dis discussion. The koko be something different.

What about if Chibok na lie?

What about if Chibok na lie. What about if na person wey we no think na im plan am? What about if no be Boko Haram do am? What about if na Boko Haram do am on behalf of somebody?
If gbaaam! Dem just see say the whole thing na lie, some people go shout, dem go phone dem friend wey dem de argue the matter since. Some go post for Facebook and dem go tag all the people wey no believe all dis time say na lie. For the next one month, nobody go hear word for dem. Dem go talk no be small. I come de think say make I look wetin fit happen if say we wake up tomorrow and Chibok na lie.
PROTESTERS
All the protesters go sing go welcome the children. Dem go say dem no wan know whichever political nonsense wey anybody wan talk. Dem don achieve wetin dem want and dat na say the pikin dem wey lost, don found. Dem fit protest one day more take make sure say government begin de give those pikin the right type of post-trauma whatever. Dem go clap for each other say, like say dem no talk, na so all dis pikin dem go lost. The ones wey de vex say the whole thing na lie go dey there but dem go straight face like say nothing wrong under. All those traditional rulers wey hide before and all those Muslim clerics and CAN people go come out de make long speech. The protesters go swear down for anybody wey ever carry pikin dem take do politics. The protesters go only listen to the speeches because dem dey happy. Dem go return home go chop well well. Maybe the next week na Allison Madueke dem go face. One thing sure. Nothing wey start for Naija wey de end. Days why nollywood de get part 1 to 6 and dem go say, ‘this is just the beginning’.
OPPOSITION
Peope for opposition go take ear gum TV, fix eye for Internet and listen to any news dem see, even if na Chinese. Dem wan sure say one mumu never embarrass dem. Then dem go enter TV take condemn terrorism. Dem go commend government for finally taking the decisive step under immense pressure and doing what they should have done a long time ago. Dem go say, “if the government had responded as opposition had expected and in fact prescribed, this debacle could have ended weeks ago. Hehehehehe who wan carry last?
On the matter say na plan somebody plan just to embarrass government, opposition go condemn such unpatriotic action. Dem go say, “It is foreign to the convictions of the opposition”. If by any mistake, dem don name one opposition somebody say na im do am, opposition go talk say dem no send am. Na im own action im de do no be party work. But for back, dem fit enter negotiation to temper justice with mercy especially as dem sef know some bad thing wey government don do. Dem and government fit negotiate and dem go sell us again. We go dey de shout de abuse our papa and mama for dem. Life goes on. Small time, we go forget as we de always forget.
GOVERNMENT
If dem catch government say na dem do dis kind thing, first thing na to do impact assessment take know how the thing don spread. If e don spread, dem go activate damage control. Dem go call all dem loudmouth dem. Dem go give dem assignment for microphone, for keyboard and touch pad. Dem sef go reach out to opposition say “how we go do dis one o? We get fuck-up but una sef get” den dem go begin negotiation.
Dis man wey EFCC hold, free am.
Dat chairman house wey you wan demolish, leave am. Carry you carnal go another side.
Dat estate for wey you say na fake C of O dem take hold the land, get dem original C of O.
That man wey una sue for libel, yes. Withdraw the suit.
That aspirant wey no get certificate, make dem go find waec give am abeg.
Na so dem go plan am, dem go sell us. We go dey here de shout until the day we go discover and we no go know where to begin. Twelve years after, somebody go write am as best seller. We go buy am, read am and resume argument.
AMERICANS
Na dis American angle de sweet me laugh pass. Sometime, you go de think say dem come because dem wan help us. Na true. Dats why dem come true true. But the funny thing be say, if Americans find out say na government de do us, dem no go talk. If dem find out say na opposition de do us, dem no go talk. Why e go be like dat? Na so dem be. Na dem oga dem de take order from not your oga hehehehehe! Of course we get general for here na. Dem go salute you but na der e end. Some time sef dem fit de feel say dem lieutenant pass our general. I just de play o! All me I think be say dem no go tell us anything. Everything na by negotiation and America no get enemy. Na interest dem get. Dem go give us our girls but we go pay for am with…………………..crude!!

Na so dem go do us. We go waka round finish and we resume for the place wey we begin. I just want make you know say wetin we go gain from this thing be say our mind don strong to stand up against anything evil wey dey we country. Dats all. Wen we give the girls back to dem parents, we go decide wetin we go take our new energy take do.

ME
And by the way, if by mistake na me discover say Chibok na lie. Or na me discover say na true and I know who do am….i go don pass border before I go post am for one group wall. As I press send, I go throway the phone for water and I go run face anywhere belle face….
I no get power for DSS abeg!

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