Abeg Na Who Thief Vice President Namadi Sambo Cow?

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The time wey we dey primary school, e get wetin we go hear wey go pass our sense. When we hear that kin thing, na song we de sing take show say we don see wonder. We de sing say,
“Come and see …..America wonder
Come and see……. America wonder”.
When we don sing dat one, then we don prepare our mind to hear something be dat.
Na for all dis small small blog I first de see headline say some people go thief Namadi Sambo cow. I first no wan read am because all dis small blogs dem fit to talk anything at all just to get attention. In fact, matter for dis country don reach stage wey some people de write dem own news item by demself according to wetin dem for like make e happen. Den dem go post am go one mad website and from there dem go de place link all over Facebook and twitter. Like say I don ready to face dem now, I for don ready to name some of those Facebook group wey de do dis nonsense. But as today na Sunday, and the sermon for church still de purge out the evil forces inside my belle, make I take am easy. Wetin I been de tell you sef o…? Ahaaaa! Oga Namadi Sambo cow.
When I see that thing say V. P Namadi Sambo lose N200m. I first think say whether e take the money bet say Arsenal go lose F. A Cup. I bin don de think say God don catch am when I open the site, I come see say na the man cow dem come pack.
Choi! People bad o!
But I still no wan believe, so I begin find am from any strong news source. Gbaaam! I see am for sunnewsonline. Dem talk say na “2,000 imported special specie cows”. Dem still talk for there say no be Namadi Sambo be the first to hear wheeen! Dem say the Emir of Zazzau, Alhaji Shehu Idris sef don hear am. Dem say some bad arse people go the man farm for Sabo Road area for Zaria go pack 250 cow just like dat. Dem still talk say the Tor of Tiv, Dr. Afred Akawe Torkula for Benue sef don see dat kind wahala too when some people come loot the man livestock. Dem also talk say na special people de thief all dis cow and no be Boko Haram because dem don de thief cow before Boko Haram show. I still look for another source. Na so I see am again for Daily Trust, see am for Leadership Newspapers. As I come see am again for Osun Defender, at once, na im I shout say
Choi!
I no talk ‘Chai’ o! ……………………………… There is a difference.
First of all, I come sorry for Namadi Sambo. Me and my friends sorry for am well well. We come de talk say, haa! The man quiet well well. E no de pass im boundary. We talk say the man de sabi control im wife sef. We talk say na good Muslim man wey make sense. We even like the small small laugh wey e de laugh for photo. We even talk say we de always see Jonathan wear Hausa man cloth take de find vote but we never see Sambo wear Jonathan parachute…sorry South-South…wetin dem de call dat cloth sef?
We finish first bottle, and we call barman.
We still de talk. We talk say but na waa o. Some people get silent money. We come talk say money dey for cow business o. No wonder Fulani herdsmen de form rubbish when anybody near dem cow. Den one on my friend come begin scratch head. We know say when e begin de scratch head, e wan talk something bad.
We finish second bottle, and we call barman.
Boys don de warm. Piss don de wan de catch me when this my friend talk one bad talk. Piss disappear! The boy talk say,
“So Namadi Sambo na one of those Fulani herdsmen den?”
Everywhere quiet. One man wey dey next table carry im drink for one hand, take the other hand drag im babe go far table.
We know say our friend don craze but we no know the type.
“Which kind yeye talk be dat. Vice President de  follow cow?” I asked.
“If e get reach 2000 cow, wetin dem de chop for north abi the man de import grass? Na 2000 imported cow dem thief. How many local cow go dey ground? Somebody must to de help am carry the cow waka round. And you think say e no go support herdsmen if matter come?”
We talk go front talk go back. Some time, three of us go de talk the same time and the fourth person just de chew bottle cover. We
We dismiss third bottle. We call barman.
By the time we open fourth bottle na den trouble start. One of us wey never talk all dis time, wey just de chew bottle cover, just clear im throat. Naturally, all man keep quiet. We know say one of two things wan happen. The man fit talk sense or the beer for im belle fit talk thrash.
“How many motor go load 2,000 cow sef?”
Nobody answer. We still de think am when e ask another one.
“How many people go load am put inside motor and how long e go take dem to load am?”
We de look  our new wizard. So dis man de think all dis time!
“When dem drive go, nobody call Sambo?”
“If dem fit thief Vice President cow go, dem fit thief all human being for one complete village.”
By now, those of us wey our eye still clear, we don de know where the guy de carry dis talk go.
“If dem fit carry 2,000 cow waka, how dem no go carry 270 girls? And some people de ask question say how can Chibok be possible. Una go still drink abi make we come de go before dem abduct us here. Nobody go kukuma find us.”
When dem order fifth bottle for everybody, we no even wan touch the bottle. We de think.
As some people no de like to think, make I think for dem.
How dem take carry two thousand cows wey belong to Namadi Sambo. If dem fit carry 2000 malu, how dem no go fit carry 250 girls? Malu no de fear. Dem no know gun. Dem carry dem one by one put inside that motor abi dem use Ctrl+V, cut and paste? Dem come drive go. Nobody call Sambo? I think say as VP, dem suppose put helicopter for am at once, make secret service track the bad boys catch all of dem. Everything stand still until those people waka, nobody see dem. Soldiers for the place say dem job na to keep the peace not to de pursue cow thief. Dem no investigate take trace the cow as dem no be common specie. Dem just keep quiet de try to sweep the whole thing under the carpet because e go cause political wahala. No be the same way Chibok happen be dat? Cow lost wey pass N200m and o boy de form like say e no feel am. Anyway, money still dey. But Chibok na human beings. If you sweep dem under carpet, the carpet no fit flat lai lai.
As we de ready to stagger home, we know say we no follow anybody argue whether Chibok happen or na scam. All we know that evening be say, if dem fit thief cow, dem go fit thief human being.
“Barman! Bring my bill sharply, otherwise na next time you go collect your money”.

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